Monthly Meeting Minutes – 16th May 2025

Date of Meeting: 16th May 2025

Location of Meeting:

The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

 

Attendees:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)

 

Apologies:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) was formally apologised to by everyone who ever wronged him and thus WWIII was averted.

 

Toast:

Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) gave the following toast to this little beauty https://www.lego.com/en-gb/product/sherlock-holmes-book-nook-10351:

Good books

Fill all the nooks

Which makes me ask "Where go

The book nook of Lego?"

And more to the point I don't have a hundred and ten quid to blow at the moment.

 

Presentation:

Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) led a discussion about the best type of Sherlock Holmes films:

Top Ten (Plus One) Sherlock Holmes Films Which Are Not Sherlock Holmes Films

There are plenty of Sherlock Holmes films which ARE Sherlock Holmes films to choose from, but where is the fun in that? No matter how good they are, eventually the saturation of Sherlock Holmes in a Sherlock Holmes film becomes overwhelming and we lose interest. Even in the greats such as Holmes and Watson (2018), The Crucifer of Blood (1991) or The Last Vampyre (1993) suffer from having a trifle too much Sherlock Holmes in them. Far preferable, then, is the Sherlock Holmes film which IS NOT a Sherlock Holmes film. Here are some of my favourites:

11. The Wrong Box (1966)

This amusing tale of a tontine is full of stars of other Holmesian films - Dudley Moore, Irene Handl, Michael Caine, John Mills, Peter Cook, Ralph Richardson and Thorley Walters to name just however many that was. Among all sorts of farcical behaviour concerning a box being wrong, Ralph Richardson happens to wear a deerstalker at one point. I give it a Holmesian score of 7%.

10. Professor Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine (1965)

Vincent Price is the titular mad scientist who is stealing bachelors' assets by making sexy robots in bikinis who seduce smutty men. It's a classic plot that probably has origins in Shakespeare, right down to the opera glasses which poke your eyes out. Fortunately, Agent Double-0-and-a-half [this, I understand, is a Very Good Joke] is on hand to save the world. At 43 minutes in, Igor - the undead assistant of Dr Goldfoot - cons his way into the headquarters of Secret Intelligence Command by dressing as Sherlock Holmes. Then they go back to the serious artform of women in gold bikinis jiggling about while various men make smutty comments. Classic Holmes, tastefully done. I give it a Holmesian score of 42%. Or six 7-per-cents.

9. Midnight Shadow (1939)

What should have been remarkable - a completely black produced film in 1939 America (when, believe it or not, America was even more racist) - is thoroughly boring. A wealthy couple's guest gets all killed up by some other bloke. Then some detectives fanny about. The important thing is that after 42 minutes one of the detectives dresses as Sherlock Holmes. I give it a Holmesian score of 49%. 

8. The House in Nightmare Park (1973)

Frankie Howerd plays an actor in 1907 who gets embroiled in a load of creepy nonsense at an isolated country house. The film is co-written and produced by Terry Nation - the bloke who created the Daleks for Dr Who. There's a lot of punning, innuendo and general twatting about. And when some fella blacks up to do a musical number, he gets murdered to death. Which is nice. Then after an hour, Howerd dresses up as Holmes and goes for a walk in the fog. I don't think he's meant to be Holmes. But you can't argue with a deerstalker and Inverness cloak. I give it a Holmesian score of 56%. 

7. The Best House in London (1969) 

Brothel fun for all the family. And there is an apparently amusing joke near the end where Holmes makes some incorrect deductions about the owner of a comb and then turns out not to be Holmes after all. Not-Sherlock is played by Peter Jeffrey - who would go on to play Mycroft in Hands of a Murderer. And Thorley Walters appears in his second of four screen portrayals of Dr Watson. Although he isn't really Watson. I give it a Holmesian score of 63%.

6. Brian and Charles (2022)

The platonic love of a man for his washing-machine-based-robot is a beautiful thing. It is even more beautiful when, at 48 minutes into a film, the washing-machine-based-robot dresses up as Sherlock Holmes. I give it a Holmesian score of 70%. 

5. Nine Girls (1944)

Nine Girls is the heart-warming tale of a nine sorority girls who go sleuthing when one of them gets killed to bits. Everyone is a suspect because Paula - the corpse - was so thoroughly murderable. The main thing, of course, is that they are all in massive swim suits or pyjamas whenever possible, making this 1944's equivalent of hardcore porn. There isn't a single Sherlockian moment in the whole thing. But they did pose in deerstalkers in one publicity photo for the film. I give it a Holmesian score of 77%. 

4. Murder By Death (1976)

What's better than a Holmesian cameo? A Holmesian cameo in the post-credits scene. What's better than a Holmesian cameo in the post-credits scene? A Holmesian cameo in the post-credits scene which got edited out of the final cut. Murder By Death features a whole host of famous detective parodies: a Charlie Chan, a Hercule Poirot, a Miss Marple and Columbo as Peter Falk as Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade as Columbo. They all attend a dinner at a mysterious mansion. People get killed. Jokes are made. Stuff happens. Blah blah. Everything is solved and everyone goes home. After the credits Holmes was supposed to arrive late and this was meant to be funny. But that got edited out. I give it a Holmesian score of 84%. 

3. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

The League of Gentlemen is, of course, one of the greatest films ever made. It was described by one imaginary film critic as the best comic book adaptation that ever was, is or will be made. It has repeatedly been hailed as Sean Connery's second best film (eclipsed only by his portrayal of Sir August de Wynter in the 1998 movie "The Avengers"). However, the sheer splendour of the film means many viewers miss the Holmesian connection - Richard Roxburgh plays the enigmatic "M". Towards the end of the film we find out that "M" is Moriarty - the same Moriarty who "died" at Reichenbach Falls. From this, we can infer the existence of a Sherlock Holmes somewhere in the universe of the film. I give it a Holmesian score of 91%. 

2. Shanghai Knights (2003)

This accurate biopic of Arthur Conan Doyle would not be complete without the scene in which The Literary Agent first meets Holmes and Watson, in the form of Owen Wilson and Jackie Chan.  Were it not for this film, many people would be completely unaware that Doyle was an effeminate English police constable. I give it a Holmesian score of 98%. 

1. Hundreds of Beavers (2022)

The central story of this documentary is about some bloke doing some stuff in settler times. But the secondary story is that Holmes Beaver and Watson Beaver keep finding evidence of horrific crimes against beavers, they draw their conclusions and they present their findings to the beaver court. Arthur Conan Doyle couldn't have done it better. And, it is to be noted, he didn't. I give it a Holmesian score of 105%. Or fifteen 7-per-cents.

 

Any Other Business:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) has finally given in on pastiches. Everyone said it would happen. "The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) always said it wouldn't. But I'm afraid "The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) was wrong. He was ground down by the tide of badly edited effluent poured out by a company who are ripping off both the Holmesian consumers and the Holmesian writers.