Monthly Meeting Minutes - 16th November 2022

Date of Meeting: 16th November 2022

 

Location of Meeting:

The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

 

Attendees:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)

 

Apologies:

No thank you.

 

Motions:

No thank you.

Presentation:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) presented a poem he wrote about alphabetical animals from the Canon:

Holmesian Alphabetical Animals

 
A is first and is for ASS.
    Watson claimed he was one.
(He, of course, meant the donkey
    And not the slang for bum).
“What an ass I have been!”
    He cried out just the once.
For Watson really was not all
    That much of a dunce.
 “Oh, what an ass I have been!” I exclaimed. (REIG)
 
B is FOR the BABOON
    Found at Stoke Moran
Brought over from India
    By a very evil man.
This writhing little primate
    Gave Watson a start
When he sprang from the bushes in
    A frenzied sudden dart.
…out from a clump of laurel bushes there darted what seemed to be a hideous and distorted child, who threw itself upon the grass with writhing limbs and then ran swiftly across the lawn into the darkness…
“It is a nice household,” he murmured. “That is the baboon.” (SPEC)
 
C is for the CHEETAH,
    One more Roylott pet.
He prowled the grounds unrestrained
    At Stoke Moran and yet
Neither of our heroes
    Ever spied the large feline.
They heard it, though, when at night
    It once gave out a whine.
“From outside came… a long drawn catlike whine, which told us that the cheetah was indeed at liberty.” (SPEC)
 
D is for the famous DOG
    Who did nowt in the night -
Not a bark, a whine or howl
    Not a growl or bite.
This was the clue Holmes needed
    To help him solve the case
Of the evil murder horse
    Who kicks men in the face.
“Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?”
“To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.”
“The dog did nothing in the night-time.” (SILV)
 
E is for the EAGLES
    Flocking about with crows
Though only metaphorically -
    A simple line of prose.
In fact, eagles never flock,
    They’re more often alone.
But Holmes was no keen bird-watcher,
    I doubt he would have known.
“Sir Robert is a man of an honourable stock. But you do occasionally find a carrion crow among the eagles.” (SHOS)
 
F is for the FERRET,
    Watson said Lestrade looked like.
He meant it as a compliment,
    Not some nasty slight.
Lean, agile and furtive.
    Sly looking as well.
Qualities which helped him put
    The criminals in cells.
A lean, ferret-like man, furtive and sly-looking, was waiting for us upon the platform… I had no difficulty in recognising Lestrade, of Scotland Yard.(BOSC)
 
G is for a GUDGEON –
    A small, freshwater fish,
In Watson’s time it could be found
    Served up on a dish.
Sam Merton was compared to one.
    You’ll agree to the match:
Sam was a common type, you see,
    And dead easy to catch.
“Sam's not a shark. He is a great big silly bull-headed gudgeon. But he is flopping about in my net all the same.” (MAZA)
 
H is, of course, for the HOUND
    Of the Baskervilles -
The dark curse of that family,
    The cause of all their ills.
It stalks all over Dartmoor
    With a fire in its eyes
Scaring the timid locals
    With its loathsome evil cries.
“Hugo Baskerville passed me upon his black mare, and there ran mute behind him such a hound of hell as God forbid should ever be at my heels.” (HOUN)
 
I is for an ICHNEUMON.
    (That’s a mongoose to you.)
Henry Wood had a pet one.
    (And a cobra too.)
He named his mongoose Teddy.
    It was amazing quick
To catch the cobra every night
    As a canteen trick.
“It's a mongoose,” I cried.
“Well, some call them that, and some call them ichneumon,” said the man. “Snake-catcher is what I call them.” (CROO)
 
J is for the JACKALS
    Who ate poor Mrs. Dawson.
She failed, in the Mutiny,
    To take the precaution
Of not being a colonist
    Who made the locals mad.
Mind you, the jackals got a meal,
    So, it was not all bad.
“I rode down to see what it was, and the cold struck through my heart when I found it was Dawson's wife, all cut into ribbons, and half eaten by jackals and native dogs.” (SIGN)
 
K is for a little KID
    (That’s a goat as a child)
Led to a jungle tree somewhere
    Out there in the wild
By the hunter - Colonel Moran -
    To be tied to a tree
For bait to tempt the tigers
    That he shoots at with glee.
“Have you not tethered a young kid under a tree, lain above it with your rifle, and waited for the bait to bring up your tiger? This empty house is my tree and you are my tiger.” (EMPT)
 
L is for the LANGUR –
    An Old-World primate.
The grey ones are all fairly small
    And they have a black face.
Old Presbury was one of this
    Monkey’s greatest fans.
He liked to mash up and inject
    Their little monkey glands.
“It is possible that the serum of anthropoid would have been better. I have, as I explained to you, used black-faced langur because a specimen was accessible. Langur is, of course, a crawler and climber, while anthropoid walks erect and is in all ways nearer.” (CREE)
 
M is for the MICROBES,
    Such as the ones curated
By a nephew killer
    At once dreaded and hated.
Culverton Smith knowingly
    Amassed and abused them.
People close to him dropped dead
    Whenever he used them.
“For him the villain, for me the microbe.” (DYIN)
 
N is for a NIGHT-BIRD.
    (Although that’s unspecific
“Night-bird” starts with letter N
    Which, for me, is terrific.)
It could be a night-jar.
    It could be an owl.
In fact, it could be any
    Of the nocturnal fowl.
“From outside came the occasional cry of a night-bird...” (SPEC)
 
O is for the OXEN
    On the Alkali Plain
Which passers-by might observe
    Ev’ry now and again.
They’re dead. They’re desiccated.
    Mostly rotted away.
Nothing more than sun-bleached bones.
    What fun! Hip hip hooray!
They are bones: some large and coarse, others smaller and more delicate. The former have belonged to oxen, and the latter to men. (STUD)
 
P is for a great big PIG.
    Come near! Just take a look!
Sherlock’s suspended this big pig
    From a butcher’s hook.
Watch him as he tries and tries –
    Like a frenzied buffoon –
To transfix the hanging hog
    With a whaling harpoon.
“If you could have looked into Allardyce's back shop you would have seen a dead pig swung from a hook in the ceiling, and a gentleman in his shirt-sleeves furiously stabbing at it with this weapon.” (BLAC)
 
Q is a QUEER MONGREL.
    Toby is his name.
He has such a splendid nose
    It has garnered him fame.
By tracking across London
    A trail of creosote
He led Holmes and Watson
    To Mordecai Smith’s boat.
“You will bring Toby back in the cab with you.”
“A dog, I suppose.”
“Yes,—a queer mongrel, with a most amazing power of scent. I would rather have Toby's help than that of the whole detective force of London.” (SIGN)
 
R is for a giant RAT
    Of origins Sumatran.
The details of it are so sparse
    They will always dishearten
Any inquiring scholar
    Who is set and intent
On learning more about this
    Large Asian rodent.
“Matilda Briggs was not the name of a young woman, Watson,” said Holmes in a reminiscent voice. “It was a ship which is associated with the giant rat of Sumatra, a story for which the world is not yet prepared.” (SUSS)
 
S is for a captive STOAT –
    Kept in a little cage
In Sherman’s shop where it fills up
    With anger, ire and rage.
It waits in patience by the bars
    With a gleam in its eye
And tries to bite a chunk out of
    Any passers-by.
“Ah, naughty, naughty, would you take a nip at the gentleman?” This to a stoat which thrust its wicked head and red eyes between the bars of its cage. (SIGN)
 
T is for the TIGER CUB
    Which Watson once fired
At an invading musket. Or
    So he claimed while tired.
It is small wonder really
    That Watson would err – he
Was talking with his one true love:
    A governess called Mary.
I endeavored to cheer and amuse her by reminiscences of my adventures in Afghanistan... To this day she declares that I told her one moving anecdote as to how a musket looked into my tent at the dead of night, and how I fired a double-barrelled tiger cub at it. (SIGN)
 
U is for a UNICORN.
    (Yes, I know that they’re not real.
But you try finding U beasts
    And then see how you feel.)
In the canon, there’s one unicorn
    Though preceded by “sea”,
It’s the name of Black Peter’s boat
    Which is good enough for me.
“Peter Carey was master of the Sea Unicorn” (BLAC)
 
V is for a VIPER,
    Sometimes mispronounced
(“I have a wiper in the bag”
    Is what Sherman announced).
Snakes with deadly venom and
    Snakes with fatal bites,
Are not something that one should drop
    On Watson in the night.
“Go on!” yelled the voice. “So help me gracious, I have a wiper in the bag, an' I'll drop it on your 'ead if you don't hook it.” (SIGN)
 
W is for some WORMS –
    The kind which gnaw on wood.
Butler Brunton found some while
    He was up to no good.
They’d destroyed the wooden box,
    Which among other things,
Held the remains of the crown
    Of ancient English kings.
“It was furred outside by a thick layer of dust, and damp and worms had eaten through the wood, so that a crop of livid fungi was growing on the inside of it.” (MUSG)
 
X is for XENOPERDIX –
    A partridge much adored.
Like the one Holmes once left out
    Upon his sideboard.
(Though, perhaps it’s only fair
    That I should make it clear
Xenoperdix are a breed
    Found just in Tanzania).
“There is a cold partridge on the sideboard, Watson, and a bottle of Montrachet. Let us renew our energies before we make a fresh call upon them.” (VEIL)
 
Y is for the YELLOW BAND
    Wrapped round Roylott’s head
The serpent that bit him and
    Struck the blackguard dead.
An Indian Swamp Adder –
    Holmes clearly named it so.
Though no such snake really exists,
    As far as science knows.
Round his brow he had a peculiar yellow band, with brownish speckles, which seemed to be bound tightly round his head. As we entered he made neither sound nor motion.
“The band! the speckled band!” whispered Holmes. (SPEC)
 
 
Z is for the ZOO, that is
    The one where Sherlock went.
The one where he gazed horrified
    At myriad serpents.
They were slithery and wicked with
    Cruel eyes on flattened faces -
Reminiscent of The Blackmailer
    From one of Holmes’s cases.
“Do you feel a creeping, shrinking sensation, Watson, when you stand before the serpents in the Zoo and see the slithery, gliding, venomous creatures, with their deadly eyes and wicked, flattened faces? Well, that's how Milverton impresses me.” (CHAS)
 
Thus ends my safari
    Through the alphabet
Of Holmesian creatures
    And Sherlockian pets.
I did my best though I confess,
    Others could do better.
So now you try name a beast
    From Canon for each letter.

 

Any other business:

No thank you.