Date of Meeting: 20th January 2025
Location of Meeting:
The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK
Attendees:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)
Apologies:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) insisted no apology was necessary but was blatantly still salty with everyone, so that was clearly a lie.
Toast:
Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) gave the following haiku toast:
Watson descended
Like water flowing downhill.
He was drunk again.
Presentation:
Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) presented the following invention what he invented:
The Automatic Ejaculator
Watson spent a good deal of his time in The Canon ejaculating. As Stephen Fry once pointed out (https://youtu.be/8Z9MrQXTbBg?si=NC-GCbasnUzTW-C0), Watson ejaculated twice as often as Holmes ever did. It is clear, then, that Watson enjoyed ejaculating.
However, Watson led a busy life. He was a doctor, a husband, a stalwart companion to Holmes and a man of action. There must have been evenings when he desperately wanted to ejaculate but was simply too pooped out to manage it.
This is where my invention comes in – The Automatic Ejaculator. This device would fit seamlessly into the sitting room at 221b and enable Watson to ejaculate with ease due to its one touch interface.
The Automatic Ejaculator works in the following way:
A hose is connected to the gas supply. This passes under the side table next to Watson’s chair and up to the side of the mantlepiece. At the point it passes under Watson’s table, it is connected to a valve. This enables Watson to open the flow of gas by pressing a button on his table. He will press this button if he wants to ejaculate.
The rat cage is pivoted. As the startled rat runs to the opposite end of the cage, the cage will act like a seesaw and the far end of the cage will drop.
Above this end of the cage there is a small golf-club which was being held in place by the cage. (I recommend using a 12 inch putter as made by Ricolletti and Sons).
As the cage drops, the club will be freed and will begin to swing.
Next to the club is a jack-knife, driven into the mantlepiece. This is being used as a sort of tee. On top of the knife is a billiard ball. The freed club swings with force into the billiard ball, knocking it from its perch.
The ball will roll along the remainder of the mantlepiece and fall off the end.
Just below this end is a teacup suspended on a system of carefully balanced pulleys.
The additional weight of the billiard ball will cause the cup to descend.
As the cup descends, this will cause a cage cover (which is at the other end of the pulley system) to ascend.
The result is that the cover will be removed from the cage.
This cage contains a trained parrot which is awakened by the removal of the cover.
The parrot is trained to ejaculate three different ejaculations: “Thank God!”, “Wonderful!” and “My dear Holmes!”. It will now commence ejaculating these ejaculations randomly and with great verve.
Ejaculations will then continue until Mrs. Hudson is summoned to reset The Automatic Ejaculator.
Thus Watson can indulge his fondness for ejaculating no matter how pooped out he is.
Any Other Business:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) went on another of his rants about "you know who", so everyone just quietly left.
