Monthly Meeting Minutes – 9th March 2020

The Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Society

Monthly Meeting Minutes

Date of Meeting: 9th March 2020

Location of Meeting:

The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

Attendees:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)

Apologies:

Unfortunately not.

Presentation:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) presented the following excellent paper about canines in the Canon.

Canonical Canines

By Paul Thomas Miller

By my count, there are around eighty-four mentions of canines in the canon. However, it would be possible to arrive at different counts. For example, I have only counted metaphors and similes regarding Holmes being hound-like once for each story, but in some stories, this similarity is mentioned many times. I also elected to ignore mentions of ‘dog-carts’ and victims being ‘dogged’ by pursuers. Thus other counts are possible and would be just as valid.

Starting with my initial count of eighty-four, I then dismissed some of these from my final table of data. These are discussed in the appendix. Once we have eliminated these semi-mentions of canines we find there are twenty-six stories which have no mention of canines at all. For the sake of brevity, I shall list these in Jay Finley Christ’s abbreviated form. They are: FIVE, IDEN, SCAN, BERY, ENGR, NOBL, SPEC, FINA, GREE, MUSG, STOC, YELL, EMPT, NORW, 3STU, GOLD, REDC, DYIN, LAST, MAZA, THOR, 3GAR, ILLU, BLAN, RETI and VEIL.

We are left with two types of canine to consider: metaphorical and actual. (I play fast and loose here with the word metaphorical, using it to encapsulate any descriptive use of canines: metaphors, similes, adverbs and adjectives. A bit naughty but, I hope, forgivable.) When counting these, there are occasions where metaphors are used to describe many people, as in the crooked man when we are told “There were ten thousand rebels round us, and they were as keen as a set of terriers round a rat-cage.” or in Lady Frances Carfax when Holmes says “She is a stray chicken in a world of foxes.” We will count such instances just the once to avoid unnecessary bias in our figures. Similarly, sometimes the same dog is referenced over and over in the course of a story. A good example is the Hound of the Baskervilles which is mentioned again and again throughout the story. It is described variously as a hound, a fiend dog, a spectral hound and a demon dog, but will only be counted once in my tally.

I should also mention that I take Watson’s bull pup from A Study in Scarlet as a literal bull pup, although metaphorical interpretations are possible.

The rest of the mentions of canines can be found listed in the appendix to this essay.

We find then that of the sixty stories, twenty-seven contain metaphorical canines and fifteen contain actual canines. They may be represented in pie-chart form as follows:

 

In the stories which do contain canines, there are forty-seven separate counts of metaphorical canines and twenty-seven separate mentions of actual canines. However those actual canines include several instances of unknown amounts of canines and one instance of forty-two canine, so the actual count should be sixty-three plus an unknown number of foxes, sheep-dogs, dhole, jackal and strange dogs. In order to produce lovely graphs and pie charts, I need a total to work with. As each unknown is clearly a plural it must be at least two. In order to stop the figures getting silly, I will take two as my substitute quantity in each case of an unknown number. Therefore the total number of actual dogs in the Canon comes out as seventy-two.

The breeds of these dogs can be illustrated by the following pie chart: 

Of the metaphorical canines, 10% are Sherlock Holmes and 19% are policemen. A third of these policemen are Inspector Lestrade. 28% of the canine metaphors refer to someone tracking or detecting something, 4% refer to tenacity outside of tracking, 19% are direct insults and 28% are references to someone’s appearance. 19% of the metaphorical canines end up dead.

Of the actual canines, only 8% have names which are stated in the Canon. The number of canines we know die in the Canon is also 8%. However, quite against this overall death rate, 33% of the named dogs end up dead. It seems that in the Canonical world, naming your dog increases the chance of death by 313%. This may explain the surprisingly low number of named canines in the Canon, even though 85% do have known owners. Of the six canines who die in the Canon, one is burnt, one eaten, one stung to death and one poisoned. Shooting is by far the favourite way to dispatch dogs, though, with two being blasted at close quarters.

An analysis of this data, once collated, reveals several interesting trends. If we consider mentions of canines in the stories against when these mentions are supposed to have taken place (I use Watson Does Not Lie by Paul Thomas Miller as my chronology of choice to establish these dates) we can produce the following bar chart:

 I have clustered pre-STUD mentions together under the heading “pre 1881”, but aside from this we can see three main peaks of canine activity in the Canon – 1881, 1889 and 1897. In each case, while the ratio varies, metaphorical canines always lead in numbers.

Compare this with a similar bar chart but this time looking at mentions compared to publication dates of the stories:

 

In this instance, there is one clear spike: 1904, tying in with the publication of many of the stories in the “Return of Sherlock Holmes” collection. We can see that while there were no cases involving canines in 1904, there were plenty mentioned in stories published that year.

Left with the dates 1881, 1889, 1897 and 1904 to examine, it is most notable that only 1889 is a prime number. Explain that if you can, so-called science.

Appendix

Canines Not Counted in my Data

The Creeping Man begins with some discussion of the use of dogs in the work of the detective. ‘dogs’, ‘bloodhounds’ and ‘sleuth-hounds’ are all mentioned but are mere suggestions. So I discount them.

Similarly, at the end of the story an actual dog slips a collar made for a Newfoundland. I count only the actual dog, not the potential Newfoundland.

In making deductions about Mortimer in The Hound of the Baskervilles, Holmes comments that he has “a favourite dog, which I should describe roughly as being larger than a terrier and smaller than a mastiff.” I count neither the imaginary terrier nor the mastiff. I count only the actual curly haired spaniel.

There seems to be no dog to go with Grimesby Roylott’s dog lash in The Speckled Band, so this is discounted.

In the same vein, Henderson lashes at folk with his dog-whip in Wisteria Lodge, but the dog to go with it is not mentioned.

At one point in A Study in Scarlet, a policeman describes the emptiness of a street by stating that he saw “Not a livin' soul, sir, nor as much as a dog.” This is not a dog; it is an absence of dog, and does not interest us.

From the same story I also discount Enoch Drebber’s bull-dog’s head gold pin. This is jewellery in the shape of a canine, not an actual canine.

There is a mention of fox-hunters in The Valley of Fear from which we could infer the presence of foxes, but we shall not.

Likewise, a dog-kennel in The Retired Colourman suggests a dog, past or present, in Amberley’s home, but this is not enough to warrant a place in my count.

Finally, there is a potential dog in The Norwood Builder which may have been burnt to produce human looking remains. However, as Holmes cannot be certain whether the bones are dog or rabbit, neither can we.

Instances of Metaphorical Canine in the Canon

In ABBE Captain Jack Croker is described as not being a hound: “I was not such a selfish hound as that.”

In ABBE Sir Eustace Brackenstall is described as a hound: “This drunken hound, that he should dare to raise his hand to her whose boots he was not worthy to lick!”

In BLAC Patrick Cairns is described as a bull-dog: “A fierce bull-dog face was framed in a tangle of hair and beard, and two bold dark eyes gleamed behind the cover of thick, tufted, overhung eyebrows.”

In BLAC John Hopley Neligan is described as potentially being a jackal: “Was it a fierce tiger of crime, which could only be taken fighting hard with flashing fang and claw, or would it prove to be some skulking jackal, dangerous only to the weak and unguarded?”

In BOSC Sherlock Holmes is described as a dog: “He ran round, like a dog who is picking up a scent, and then turned upon my companion.”

In BRUC Sherlock Holmes is described as a foxhound: “See the foxhound with hanging ears and drooping tail as it lolls about the kennels, and compare it with the same hound as, with gleaming eyes and straining muscles, it runs upon a breast-high scent—such was the change in Holmes since the morning.”

In BRUC Hugo Oberstein is described as a dog: ““The cunning dog has covered his tracks,” said he. “He has left nothing to incriminate him.”

In CARD Inspector Lestrade is described as a bulldog: “That he may be safely trusted to do, for although he is absolutely devoid of reason, he is as tenacious as a bulldog when he once understands what he has to do, and indeed, it is just this tenacity which has brought him to the top at Scotland Yard.”

In CHAS Charles Augustus Milverton is described as a hound: “Take that, you hound, and that!—and that!—and that!”

In CROO Indians involved in the Indian Mutiny are described as terriers: “There were ten thousand rebels round us, and they were as keen as a set of terriers round a rat-cage.”

In DANC Sherlock Holmes is described as a retriever: “"Holmes hunted about among the grass and leaves like a retriever after a wounded bird."“

In DEVI Mortimer Tregennis is described as being like a fox: “When I think of Mortimer Tregennis, with the foxy face and the small shrewd, beady eyes behind the spectacles, he is not a man whom I should judge to be of a particularly forgiving disposition.”

In DEVI Sherlock Holmes is described as a foxhound: “He was out on the lawn, in through the window, round the room, and up into the bedroom, for all the world like a dashing foxhound drawing a cover.”

In DEVI Sherlock Holmes is described as a hound: “Holmes took his pipe from his lips and sat up in his chair like an old hound who hears the view-halloa.” I count this separately from the foxhound metaphor, because the meaning is different.

In HOUN Inspector Lestrade is described as a bulldog: “The London express came roaring into the station, and a small, wiry bulldog of a man had sprung from a first-class carriage.”

In HOUN Cartwright is described as a dog: “I have also communicated with my faithful Cartwright, who would certainly have pined away at the door of my hut, as a dog does at his master's grave”

In LADY Lady Frances Carfax is described as being potential prey for a fox: “She is a stray chicken in a world of foxes.”

In NAVA Forbes is described as a fox: “Holmes had already wired to Forbes, and we found him waiting to receive us—a small, foxy man with a sharp but by no means amiable expression.”

In PRIO Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are both described as hounds: “perhaps the scent is not so cold but that two old hounds like Watson and myself may get a sniff of it.”

In REDH lots of red-headed men are described as Irish-setters: “Every shade of colour they were—straw, lemon, orange, brick, Irish-setter, liver, clay”

In REDH Sherlock Holmes is described as a sleuth-hound: “his languid, dreamy eyes were as unlike those of Holmes the sleuth-hound”

In REDH Peter Jones is described as a bulldog: “He is as brave as a bulldog and as tenacious as a lobster if he gets his claws upon anyone.”

In REDH Peter Jones is described as a dog: “Our friend here is a wonderful man for starting a chase. All he wants is an old dog to help him to do the running down.” I count this separately from the bulldog metaphor, because the meaning is different.

In RESI Mr. Blessington is described as a blood-hound: “He was very fat, but had apparently at some time been much fatter, so that the skin hung about his face in loose pouches, like the cheeks of a blood-hound.”

In SECO Inspector Lestrade is described as a bulldog: “Lestrade's bulldog features gazed out at us from the front window”

In SHOS Mr. Norlett  is described as a dog: “Yes, I would swear to his yellow face—a mean dog”

In SIGN Tonga is described variously as a newfoundland dog and a hell-hound: “Beside him lay a dark mass which looked like a Newfoundland dog” and “It was that little hell-hound Tonga”

In SIGN rebels in the Indian Mutiny are described as dogs: “There are no rebel dogs on this side of the river.”

In SIGN Sherlock Holmes is described as a blood-hound: “So swift, silent, and furtive were his movements, like those of a trained blood-hound picking out a scent”

In SILV Mr. Silas Brown is described as a dog: “His bullying, overbearing manner was all gone too, and he cringed along at my companion's side like a dog with its master.”

In SIXN Beppo is described as a wolf: “Not a word would our captive say; but he glared at us from the shadow of his matted hair, and once, when my hand seemed within his reach, he snapped at it like a hungry wolf.”

In SOLI Mr. Williamson and Jack Woodley are described as dogs: “Ah, the cowardly dogs! Follow me, gentlemen! Too late! too late! by the living Jingo!”

In STUD Gregson, Lestrade, and Holmes are described as a staghounds: “Gregson, Lestrade, and Holmes sprang upon him like so many staghounds.”

In STUD Sherlock Holmes is described variously as hound, wolf, bloodhound and foxhound: ““I am one of the hounds and not the wolf; Mr. Gregson or Mr. Lestrade will answer for that. Go on, though. What did you do next?”, “Leaning back in the cab, this amateur bloodhound carolled away like a lark while I meditated upon the many-sidedness of the human mind.” and “As I watched him I was irresistibly reminded of a pure-blooded well-trained foxhound as it dashes backwards and forwards through the covert”. All of these refer to his abilities in detection and so I count them together.

In STUD Jefferson Hope is described as a dog or bloodhound several times: “Year passed into year, his black hair turned grizzled, but still he wandered on, a human bloodhound”

In STUD Enoch Drebber is described variously as a dog, cur or hound: “You dog!’ I said; ‘I have hunted you from Salt Lake City to St. Petersburg, and you have always escaped me.” and “‘You hound,’ he cried, shaking his stick at him; ‘I'll teach you to insult an honest girl!’ He was so hot that I think he would have thrashed Drebber with his cudgel, only that the cur staggered away down the road as fast as his legs would carry him.”

In STUD Gregson is described as a hound: “You may be very smart and clever, but the old hound is the best, when all is said and done.”

In SUSS Mrs. Ferguson is described as a wolf: “Day and night the nurse covered the child, and day and night the silent, watchful mother seemed to be lying in wait as a wolf waits for a lamb.”

In TWIS Hugh Boone is described as a bulldog: “A shock of orange hair, a pale face disfigured by a horrible scar, which, by its contraction, has turned up the outer edge of his upper lip, a bulldog chin, and a pair of very penetrating dark eyes”

In VALL various Scowrers are described as a cur: “There were curs to do the smaller work”

In VALL Porlock is described as a jackal: “Picture to yourself the pilot fish with the shark, the jackal with the lion”

In VALL Ted Wolf is described as a wolf: “It was the worst enemy I had among them all—one who has been after me like a hungry wolf after a caribou all these years.”

In VALL two Vermissa Valley policemen are described as hounds: “Well, yes. I told the hounds what I thought of them.”

In VALL various Scowrers are described as bloodhounds or hounds: “Get your word in first, or the hounds will be on your trail.” and “At last there came a warning to him that the bloodhounds were on his track once more, and he cleared—only just in time—for England.”

In VALL McMurdo/Edwards/Douglas is described as a dog or bloodhound: “He thrust out his face and grinned at the patrolmen like a snarling dog.”, “Well, I've given you the pointer, and you're a sulky dog not to thank me for it.” and “McGinty had instruments enough already; but he recognized that this was a supremely able one. He felt like a man holding a fierce bloodhound in leash.”

In WIST Gregson is described as a bulldog: “He turned his bulldog eyes upon our visitor.”

In 3GAB Barney Stockdale and Susan, his wife are described as a hounds: “They are good hounds who run silent.”

Instances of Actual Canine in the Canon

In ABBE there is a dog belonging to Lady Brackenstall (nee Mary Fraser): “There was a scandal about his drenching a dog with petroleum and setting it on fire—her ladyship's dog.”

In BLUE there is a dog belonging to Mr. Breckinridge (the goose seller): “If you come pestering me any more with your silly talk I'll set the dog at you.”

In CHAS there is a dog belonging to Charles Augustus Milverton: “Then he has a beast of a dog which roams the garden.”

In COPP there is a mastiff belonging to Jephro Ruscastle: “It's only Carlo, my mastiff. I call him mine, but really old Toller, my groom, is the only man who can do anything with him.”

In CREE there is a wolfhound/dog belonging to Professor Presbury: “Why does Professor Presbury's wolfhound, Roy, endeavour to bite him?”

In GLOR there is a bull terrier belonging to Victor Trevor: “Trevor was the only man I knew, and that only through the accident of his bull terrier freezing on to my ankle one morning as I went down to chapel.”

In HOUN there is a spaniel/dog belonging to Dr. James Mortimer: “The dog's jaw, as shown in the space between these marks, is too broad in my opinion for a terrier and not broad enough for a mastiff. It may have been—yes, by Jove, it is a curly-haired spaniel.”

In HOUN there is a mention of foxes: “We cannot leave it here to the foxes and the ravens.”

In HOUN there is a hound/fiend dog/dog/spectral hound/demon dog belonging to Jack Stapleton: “The dog, incited by its master, sprang over the wicket-gate and pursued the unfortunate baronet, who fled screaming down the Yew Alley.”

In HOUN there is a mention of sheep-dogs: “There are many sheep-dogs on the moor?”

In LION there is a dog belonging to Fitzroy McPherson: “On one occasion, being plagued by a little dog belonging to McPherson, he had caught the creature up and hurled it through the plate-glass window”

In MISS there is a draghound/dog belonging to Jeremy Dixon: ““Let me introduce you to Pompey,” said he. “Pompey is the pride of the local draghounds, no very great flier, as his build will show, but a staunch hound on a scent.”

In MISS there is a dog belonging to Dr. Leslie Armstrong's coachman: “he was rude enough to set a dog at me”

In REIG there is a dog belonging to Alec Cunningham: ““You don't keep a dog?” “Yes, but he is chained on the other side of the house.”“

In SHOS there is a spaniel/dog belonging to Lady Beatrice Falder and Josiah Barnes: “By the way, that was a most beautiful spaniel that was whining in the hall.”

In SIGN there is a mongrel/dog belonging to Sherman: “Toby proved to an ugly, long-haired, lop-eared creature, half spaniel and half lurcher, brown-and-white in color, with a very clumsy waddling gait.”

In SIGN there is a mention of jackals: “I found it was Dawson's wife, all cut into ribbons, and half eaten by jackals and native dogs”

In SIGN there is a mention of dholes (the native dogs of India): “I found it was Dawson's wife, all cut into ribbons, and half eaten by jackals and native dogs”

In SIGN there is are forty-two other dogs belonging to Sherman: “If you kick up any more row I'll open the kennels and let out forty-three dogs upon you.” (Forty-two because we have already counted Toby, the forty-third.)

In SIGN there is a mention of strange dogs: “Strange dogs sauntered up and stared wonderingly at us as we passed”

In SILV there is a dog/hound belonging to Colonel Ross: “To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.”

In SILV there is a dog belonging to Mr. Silas Brown: “I've no time to talk to every gadabout. We want no stranger here. Be off, or you may find a dog at your heels”

In STUD there is a bull pup belonging to Dr. John H. Watson: “I keep a bull pup,”

In STUD there is a mention of a coyote: “The coyote skulks among the scrub”

In STUD there is a dog/terrier belonging (probably) to Mrs. Hudson: “Now would you mind going down and fetching that poor little devil of a terrier which has been bad so long, and which the landlady wanted you to put out of its pain yesterday.”

In SUSS there is a spaniel/dog belonging to Robert Ferguson: “A spaniel had lain in a basket in the corner. It came slowly forward towards its master, walking with difficulty.”

Table of Results

The reader may find the following table of results confusing and unhelpful:

Story	Year when mention took place within story	Year of publication	Metaphorical canines mentioned	Actual canines mentioned	Total canines mentioned
STUD pt1	1881	1887	4	2	6
STUD pt2	1860	1887	1	1	2
SIGN pt1	1888	1890	2	3	5
SIGN pt2	1857	1890	1	2	3
BOSC	1889	1891	1	0	1
REDH	1890	1891	4	0	4
TWIS	1889	1891	1	0	1
FIVE	1887	1891	0	0	0
IDEN	1890	1891	0	0	0
SCAN	1888	1891	0	0	0
BLUE	1890	1892	0	1	1
COPP	1891	1892	0	1	1
SILV	1891	1892	1	2	3
SPEC	1883	1892	0	0	0
BERY	1884	1892	0	0	0
ENGR	1889	1892	0	0	0
NOBL	1887	1892	0	0	0
CARD	1889	1893	1	0	1
CROO	1857	1893	1	0	1
GLOR	1875	1893	0	1	1
NAVA	1887	1893	1	0	1
REIG	1887	1893	0	1	1
RESI	1881	1893	1	0	1
FINA	1891	1893	0	0	0
GREE	1888	1893	0	0	0
MUSG	1877	1893	0	0	0
STOC	1889	1893	0	0	0
YELL	1884	1893	0	0	0
HOUN	1889	1901	2	4	6
DANC	1898	1903	1	0	1
NORW	1894	1903	0	0	1
EMPT	1894	1903	0	0	0
ABBE	1897	1904	2	1	3
BLAC	1895	1904	2	0	2
CHAS	1886	1904	1	1	2
MISS	1897	1904	0	2	2
PRIO	1901	1904	1	0	1
SECO	1886	1904	1	0	1
SIXN	1900	1904	1	0	1
SOLI	1895	1904	1	0	1
3STU	1895	1904	0	0	0
GOLD	1894	1904	0	0	0
BRUC	1895	1908	2	0	2
WIST	1892	1908	1	0	1
DEVI	1897	1910	3	0	3
LADY	1894	1911	1	0	1
REDC	1902	1911	0	0	0
DYIN	1889	1913	0	0	0
VALL pt2	1867	1914	3	0	3
VALL pt1	1887	1914	3	0	3
LAST	1914	1917	0	0	0
MAZA	1903	1921	0	0	0
THOR	1900	1922	0	0	0
CREE	1903	1923	0	1	1
SUSS	1897	1924	1	1	2
3GAR	1902	1924	0	0	0
ILLU	1902	1924	0	0	0
LION	1907	1926	0	1	1
RETI	1899	1926	0	0	0
3GAB	1902	1926	1	0	1
BLAN	1903	1926	0	0	0
SHOS	1883	1927	1	1	2
VEIL	1896	1927	0	0	0

Any Other Business:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) ate three pickled eggs.

Monthly Meeting Minutes – 13th February 2020

The Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Society

Monthly Meeting Minutes

Date of Meeting: 13th February 2020

Location of Meeting:
The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

Attendees:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller), "The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin)

Apologies:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) apologised for interrupting the apologies with some emergency business.

Emergency Business:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) stated that the trial of an expanded membership had been a failure. He stated that "The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin) had brought nothing but an uneasy silence to meetings. "The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) moved that "The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin) be expelled immediately from the society and all meetings. The members voted on this motion. There was one abstention and one vote to expel "The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin). "The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin) was immediately expelled.

It was further decided that in future any females entering The Sherloft during meetings would at the very least have to wear a mustache and pretend to be a man.

It was then decided to fill the spot vacated by Brenda Mannequin with the jar of pickled eggs I bought from Lidl on the way home from work.

Attendees Again:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)

Presentation:
In honour of it nearly being St. Valentine's Day, "The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) presented a love poem he had written.

A Love Poem

From a Member to his Holmesian Society

Upon Valentine's Day I pause to reflect

On a great love which I may elsewise neglect,

A love that is perfect to the point of piety:

That which I have for my Holmesian Society.

The Shingle of Southsea!

I sing your praise.

How do I love thee?

Shall I count the ways?

I love thee for being located so close -

The loft of my house is where we meet most.

I love thee for being free of rude tempers,

For other than me there are no members.

I love thee for accepting all that I offer

Whether well written or poor and improper.

I love thee for not letting my children in -

My society protects me from their constant din.

I love thee also for the secreted stash

Of well-aged cheap port behind the calabash.

But most of all, I love the Shingle of Southsea

For the free pickled eggs with which it surrounds me.

Any Other Business:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) made it known that he was overjoyed that the society was back to normal.

Monthly Meeting Minutes – 11th January 2020

The Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Society

Monthly Meeting Minutes

Date of Meeting: 11th January 2020

Location of Meeting:
The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

Attendees:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller), "The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin)

Apologies:
It was cleared up and we decided to say nothing more about it.

Presentation:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) presented his findings regarding Sherlock Holmes and Star Wars:

Was Conan Doyle a Star Wars Fan?

The fourth of May is a significant date for at least two fandoms. Among the followers of Skywalker, it is known as Star Wars day. This is derived from the coincidence that "May the fourth" sounds an awful lot like the start of the Jedi mantra "May the force be with you". Among the followers of Holmes, it is known as the day Holmes vanquished Moriarty atop the Reichenbach Falls.

While producing my chronology of Holmes and Watson (shameless plug: Watson Does Not Lie, available here) I discovered that there are several more references to May the Fourth in the Canon.

It was 4th May 1847 when Lucy and John Ferrier were rescued by the Mormons in the Great Alkali Plain (STUD).

In 1867 it was the date when John McMurdo informed the Scowrers that Birdy Edwards was after them (VALL).

In 1882 it was when Thaddeos Sholto's advert appeared in The Times seeking Mary Morstan. And, following her reply, it was the date when each year until 1888 she would receive a pearl from her secret benefactor (SIGN).

In 1889 it was the date Sir Charles Baskerville announced his intention to go to London, thereby inducing Stapleton to up his game and murder Sir Charles the following night (HOUN).

In 1895 it was the date Holmes and Watson rescued Violet Smith from the evil clutches of Woodley and Williamson (SOLI).

To my knowledge no other date has quite so many appearances in the Canon. Which leads one to the inescapable conclusion that Conan Doyle must have favoured Star Wars Day because he was a Star Wars fan.

And once one has accepted this fact, the supporting evidence is only too obvious. In considering Professor Moriarty next to Emperor Palpatine, the similarities are only too obvious - the evil genius with powers that match the hero, making his plans and setting them in motion from the safety of his innocent looking position in society.

Such inspirations are littered through the Canon. Holmes and Watson are adequate representations of Luke Skywalker and his stalwart companion R2D2. There are elements of Princess Leia in Mary Morstan; the woman who briefly comes between our heroes, but ultimately Leia is more fully represented in Irene Adler - an underestimated woman who we find is just as heroic and talented as the male lead. Jabba the Hutt appears as Charles Augustus Milverton, C3P0 is clearly Mrs Hudson and Hans Solo is represented by the many well-meaning, often ineffective, somewhat unintelligent Scotland Yarders. Chewbacca, then is the impressive policemen such as Inspector Baynes of Wisteria Lodge. Jango Fett is explored is subtle detail too - in the Star Wars franchise he is a bounty hunter who is cloned to make an army for The Empire. We see Doyle mirror this in the story of Birdy Edwards and the Pinkertons. Birdy is a highly skilled detective with more than a touch of bounty hunter to him. The Pinkertons built on the successes of people like Birdy to create an unofficial police force of agents just like him. Yoda can be found in the unrivaled powers of Mycroft Holmes, Ewoks as irregulars... the list would probably go on if I weren't so lazy.

Let us not forget too, the Holmes's we find in the movies: Peter Cushing as Grand Moff Tarkin, Christopher Lee as Count Dooku and Richard E. Grant who played General Pryde.

The evidence is all there. Arthur Conan Doyle was a massive Star Wars fan and the entire Sherlock Holmes Canon is little more than a sub-standard fanfic rip off of the Sci-Fi franchise.

Postscript:

To those who may object that the Star Wars films postdate the life of Conan Doyle, I need only point out that the events portrayed in the films took place "a long time ago". The late production of the films does not preclude his knowing about the events.

"The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin) presented a coldness that was unnerving.

Any Other Business:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) asked "The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin) for feedback again. None was provided again.

Society Photo - 11th January 2020

Monthly Meeting Minutes – 12th December 2019

The Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Society

Monthly Meeting Minutes

Date of Meeting: 12th December 2019

Location of Meeting:
The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

Attendees:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller), "The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin)

Apologies:
He who smelt it dealt it.

Presentation:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) presented two things this month:

First, this reworking of Mysterious Girl by Peter Andre: https://youtu.be/QPlpPH7VBiI

Second, this short story about the infancy of Holmes:

A Young Sherlock Holmes Story

“I have some papers here,” said my friend Sherlock Holmes, as we sat one winter's night on either side of the fire, “which I really think, Watson, that it would be worth your while to glance over. These are the documents of my first ever case, written in my own hand.”
He had picked from a drawer a tarnished bundle of paper scraps, and, undoing the tape, he handed me a half-sheet of crumpled paper daubed with indecipherable scrawlings made in wax crayon.
“I had not yet learnt to write, at the time I wrote those notes. But I believe I may be able to translate their meaning, if you are interested?”
I eagerly confessed I would like nothing more. Refreshing our glasses with whiskey and soda, we both relaxed into our armchairs and Holmes began his tale.

“I was born in our family manor in York on January 6th, 1854. I spent much of those first few days in my older brother’s hand-me-down cot which was situated in a comfortable, though plain, nursery. Apart from the attentions of a nurse maid, I had very little company. Subsequent to my arrival my parents showed little interest in me and my brother, seven years my senior, had little in common with me. This gave me an excess of time alone with my thoughts. As you know, Watson, this is not my preferred state. It was a plain cot, with little decoration to distract me. I was grateful, therefore, for the events which began on the third day of my Earthly existence.
“My father returned from work with a gift for me. He had purchased a delightful mobile to hang above my cot. It’s clockwork frame suspended cut glass gems. When wound up, the prisms would dance in the sunlight and lull me to a sleep where I dreamt of rainbows.
“You can imagine the horror upon waking from this dream and finding the mobile gone. I screamed, my father came in, found the mobile missing and launched a search. The mobile could not be found. I could only be consoled by my father’s promise that he would replace the mobile with a better trinket the same day.
“And so he did. A lantern of sorts, which, when lit, cast shadow silhouettes of local fauna around the room. The heat from the lantern caused the images to revolve so that my room was full of birds, insects and mammals chasing each other around the walls.
“Again I was lulled to sleep. Again I woke to find my prize missing. Again there were screams and searches. Nothing was found.
“And so it went on. Every day for a fortnight my father bought me rattles, cuddly toys, building blocks, pictures, playthings, music boxes. Every morning they were gone. My latest present had been a brightly coloured Jack-In–The-Box which I was determined not to lose. Clearly the adults around me were not going to solve this riddle, so I decided to tackle the problem myself.
“I cobbled together a workable burglary kit out of a bed spring, a safety pin and a pipe cleaner, taught myself to walk and waited for night fall. Once I was sure that everyone was asleep I broke out of my cot and began searching the house. As I went from room to room, I soon discovered that my nemesis had cleverly arranged all the door handles so that they were a good three foot out of my reach. With most of the doors shut, by the time I reached the kitchen, I had failed to search any rooms. As I settled down in the hallway to ruminate on my problem, I heard the distinctive creak of the loose floorboard next to my very own bed upstairs. Flying through the house at a precocious speed, I found Mycroft leaning in to steal my brand new Jack-In-The-Box. A quick scream alerted the authorities. They arrived in a trice and, when they had finished searching his room, mother and father discovered that Mycroft had been stealing all my gifts out of jealousy. By cunningly secreting them in his wardrobe, he had managed to elude capture until now.
“My father returned all fourteen toys and goodies to my cot, which was now a splendid sight. It was covered in decoration and play things. No other child, I am sure, had such a luxurious bed. So there, you have it, Watson: my first case – The Adventure of the Glorious Cot.”

I groaned and poured myself another whiskey. No soda this time.

"The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin) presented nothing but a pained silence.

Any Other Business:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) asked "The Blank Page" (Brenda Mannequin) for feedback on her first meeting. None was provided.

Important News - Honourary Member

The Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Society would like to announce the temporary doubling of its membership.

Today, Brenda The Headless Mannequin was enrolled as an honorary member.

As Paul Thomas Miller has already selected the entire text of the UK Canon in publication date order as his investiture, there was nothing left for Brenda. As such, she has been invested as "The Blank Page at the Back of The Complete Sherlock Holmes 1930 Doubleday Edition".

It was made clear to Brenda that her investiture is temporary and would be revoked as soon as "The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) got bored of her or decided she was taking up too much space in The Sherloft. She seemed fine with that.

Brenda enjoys her investiture.

Monthly Meeting Minutes – 8th November 2019

The Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Society

Monthly Meeting Minutes

Date of Meeting: 8th November 2019

Location of Meeting:
The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

Attendees:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)

Apologies:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) apologised for drinking all the port without sharing.

Presentation:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) presented his ultra-realistic pastiche:

A Study in Toilet

Sherlock Holmes discarded the newspaper he had been absorbed in since breakfast causing me to look up from the yellow-back I had been reading.

“Nothing, Watson,” said he. “Nothing but inaccuracy and mediocrity.”

“You found no mystery to interest you, then?”

“There is not enough detail to tell. They omit nearly as much as you do in your accounts of my endeavours.”

“But the details are all there,” I remonstrated. “I supply all the salient facts.”

“Ah! But who is to say what is salient? My method is founded upon the observation of trifles, and yet you neglect so many of them. Take your version of the Mary Morstan affair; not once during the whole investigation did you ever record my use of the W.C. Are we really expected to believe my bowel and bladder are so capacious?”

He was, of course, correct and I was just vowing to rectify this in my future writings when Mrs Hudson ushered in Inspector Gregson to consult Holmes.

The official detective was decidedly flustered, so while I poured him a brandy and urged him to settle himself, Holmes popped upstairs to the toilet. Soon, Gregson was quite calm, if slightly impatient to get to business.

When Holmes finally returned to the sitting room, he brought with him a smell of rotting cabbage that indicated his bowel movement had not been a pleasant one.

“Good day to you, Gregson. You have come from Edgware, I perceive.”

“Indeed. I confess that, by now, I should not be so confused by your deductions, and yet I am. How did you know?”

“There is a slight discolouration to the legs of your trousers caused by ammonia rich splashes. The facilities at the Edgware underground station are well known for producing that distinctive pattern of splash-back. It is a simple matter of observation.”

“Simple to you, perhaps, Mr Holmes.”

“I assume you have come to consult me about more than urinals, however.”

“Quite so. It is a grave matter.”

“Then prey, tell me all.”

“The details are simple enough and we have plenty of witnesses to verify the facts. Unfortunately they simply do not make sense. It is this way: Thomas Baily is the vicar of St Margaret's Church in Edgware. The church’s pipe organ has been out of service for a while, so yesterday the church held a summer fete in order to raise money for a replacement. Consequently, the grounds of the church were well covered in locals either running stalls or making use of them.”

“They were all outside?” Holmes interrupted. “They did not make use of the interior of the church?”

“No. The church is not a big one. Indeed, there is only one door in and out of the building. It would make it quite unsuitable for large crowds milling about. Reverend Baily made use of the good weather and picturesque grounds, instead. All was going well, although the Reverend admits they were nowhere near raising enough money. Then around half an hour after one o’clock Mrs Agatha Wanette, a parish widow, came to speak to the vicar directly. She explained that she had just altered her will in favour of the church. The late Mr Wanette was a rich man so that the money would pay for the organ and much more besides. Obviously Reverend Baily was pleased but asked if an advance might be possible as the organ desperately needed replacing soon. It seems Mrs Wanette was still in her sixties and in rude health so that the delay would likely be considerable. The pair retired inside the church to discuss the matter in privacy. There are dozens of witnesses to testify to this. And there are just as many to swear no one came out.”

At this point my morning tea caught up with me and I asked Gregson to pause in his narrative while I relieved myself. I had a small wait as Billy the pageboy was already in there. However, I was soon stood at the bowl, legs apart, chap in hand releasing a hot stream of urine.

“Around quarter of an hour later,” Gregson continued as I returned, “the verger; Colin Goswell, was working in the rear of the churchyard, away from the hullaballoo of the fete. He claims to have heard a scream come from within the church. Concerned, he rushed to the church door to see what was the matter. He found it locked. Knocking provoked no answer from within. He rushed to his nearby house to retrieve his own key. On his return, his visible anxiety garnered a few followers from the stalls nearest the door. Upon unlocking the church and entering they found nothing other than the vicar sat on one of the front pews, reading nonchalantly. They asked what had happened to Mrs Wanette and Baily claimed that she had just left following a quarrel over money.”

“That seems perfectly normal,” said I, somewhat confused.

“I’m afraid not, Doctor. For there is no way she could have left the church without being seen. And the stall-holders all swear that she did not leave. The verger sent for the police at once. Since then, we have checked her home and that of her sister. She never returned from the church. When we questioned the vicar he became most suspicious. Rather than concern for his missing parishioner, his first reaction was to ask how long a person must remain missing before they can be declared legally dead. He seemed wholly absorbed by the idea of getting his hands on Agatha Wanette’s bequest. The vicar was detained while we searched the church, for by now we strongly suspected foul play. However, there is no sign of violence, nor of the missing widow. Without a body, we were forced to release the vicar, but we have stationed men to watch him.”

“What has he been doing since his release?”

“Since returning he has not left St Margaret’s. But he does appear to be confident that the inheritance will come to him, as he has begun ordering repairs already. He has, for instance, made arrangements for the broken pipe organ to be removed from the church despite not having been able to pay for its replacement.”

Holmes sat up, alarmed.

“We must go to St Margaret’s at once!” he declared.

And while I collected our hats and coats, he popped to the latrine to make sure he was empty before the journey.

When we arrived at the church, we were greeted by Thomas Baily. He was a tall man, athletically built for a clergyman, and he radiated a serene calmness that is common to spiritual men. His welcomes were unusually warm considering the purpose of our visit and Holmes lost no time asking where the toilet was. Gregson and I sat on one of the pews and waited for Holmes to return. I made small talk with the reverend about his hopes for a new pipe organ.

“This old one has had troubles for a long while now. When the bellows finally gave out in Spring, we were forced to retire it. As you can see, we are already having it dismantled so we can remove it.”

“It could not be repaired?”

“Perhaps. But with Mrs Wanette’s money soon to be donated to the church, there is no need. No, much better to replace it with a more reliable instrument.”

We continued to converse on such topics as the benefits of a mechanical bellow over a manual one, how to select pipes and the advantages of various racks.

Ten minutes or so later, Holmes returned.

“I’m sorry to delay you all. I’m afraid my movements have been somewhat erratic lately, and the sheer size of the faecal object I just produced, required several flushes before I could convince it to depart. Please pass on my apologies to your cleaner, Reverend.”

“Don’t mention it, Mr Holmes. The cistern in that lavatory is not up to the job as it once was. Once I have replaced the organ, it was next on my list of necessary renovations.”

“Ah yes, the organ! What seems to be the trouble with it?”

“The bellows,” I interrupted. “Mr Baily has just been telling me all about it.”

“Ah! I happen to have written a monograph upon the mechanics of pipe organs. Perhaps if I were to take a look, I might be able to fix the…”

“No, thank you! That won’t be necessary!” exclaimed the vicar, interposing himself between detective and organ. “It is being collected this afternoon for disposal. Your interference won’t make any difference.”

“Mr Baily,” Holmes rejoined, “I won’t touch it if you would prefer me not to. But I must say that your uncharacteristic vehemence is quite suspicious.”

“You suspect me, Mr Holmes? What of, may I ask? It seems that if you are going to come into my church with unpleasant opinions about me, you should do the decent thing and come out with them to my face.”

“I suspect you, Mr Baily, of the murder of Mrs Agatha Wanette. You needed her money, but she was not prepared to part with it until she was dead. You invited her into this church to try to change her mind. When she would not, you overpowered her, she screamed, you killed her. Realising you were surrounded by potential witnesses, you immediately locked the church door.”

“Then where is her body, Mr Holmes?” replied the vicar, whose face was now contorted into a hateful scowl. “You know very well, that you cannot convict a man of murder without first producing a body. No body – no murder. I might sue for slander, if you continue.”

“Oh, I shall produce her body.” Holmes responded. A familiar, silently produced, eggy smell told me that was not all that Holmes needed to produce.

Gently but firmly pushing the clergyman out of his way, Holmes marched over to the bellows of the dismantled pipe organ. He undid a few fastenings and removed the side panel. My nerves had been hardened in my youth by the horrors of war. Yet, the sight of the mangled body of Mrs Agatha Wanette folded into itself in the bellows of a church pipe organ caused my bile to rise and my head to swim. So squashed was she, it was impossible to tell where one limb started and another ended. As she was removed by two sturdy constables, it was clear almost every bone in her body had been broken and the bruises to her throat testified as the manner in which Thomas Bailey had dispatched her to the afterlife.

“I believe you have the whole of your case, Gregson,” remarked Holmes. “Now, you will excuse me while I pay another sit-down visit to the toilet, for it seems I hadn’t finished after all.”

Any Other Business:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) demanded more port to be brought to meetings. It was unamimously agreed that this was a super idea.

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) recorded tonight's meeting in a photograph: