Monthly Meeting Minutes - 16th May 2019

The Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Society

Monthly Meeting Minutes

Date of Meeting: 16^th May 2019

Location of Meeting:

The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

Attendees:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)

Apologies:

Invisible Tony apologised and was ejected from The Sherloft.

Presentation:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) presented his fascinating findings about beards in the canon:

Beards

By Paul Thomas Miller

There are 96 uses of the word "beard" in The Canon. A study of them can prove most illuminating. I conducted some research and discovered how the beards are distributed across the stories. Of course, we should expect some bias in the long stories compared to the short stories. The more words there are, the more chance there is that one of those words will be "beard". Therefore, a simple tally means very little. More interesting is the rate of beards per ten-thousand words.

Story	Number of Beards	Rate of Beards per 10K Words
A Study In Scarlet	5	1.15
The Sign of the Four	6	1.39
A Scandal in Bohemia	0	0.00
The Red-Headed League	0	0.00
A Case of Identity	0	0.00
The Boscombe Valley Mystery	1	1.04
The Five Orange Pips	0	0.00
The Man with the Twisted Lip	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle	1	1.28
The Adventure of the Speckled Band	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Engineer's Thumb	1	1.21
The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Copper Beeches	1	1.00
Silver Blaze	1	1.04
The Yellow Face	0	0.00
The Stock-Broker's Clerk	1	1.47
The “Gloria Scott”	0	0.00
The Musgrave Ritual	0	0.00
The Reigate Squires	0	0.00
The Crooked Man	0	0.00
The Resident Patient	0	0.00
The Greek Interpreter	2	2.85
The Naval Treaty	0	0.00
The Final Problem	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Cardboard Box	0	0.00
The Hound of the Baskervilles	18	3.04
The Adventure of the Empty House	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Norwood Builder	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Dancing Men	1	1.03
The Adventure of the Solitary Cyclist	10	12.74
The Adventure of the Priory School	5	4.35
The Adventure of Black Peter	5	6.15
The Adventure of Charles Augustus Milverton	1	1.49
The Adventure of the Six Napoleons	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Three Students	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Golden Pince-Nez	1	1.12
The Adventure of the Missing Three-Quarter	4	4.98
The Adventure of the Abbey Grange	2	2.18
The Adventure of the Second Stain	0	0.00
The Adventure of Wisteria Lodge	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Devil's Foot	3	3.00
The Adventure of the Red Circle	3	4.09
The Adventure of the Dying Detective	0	0.00
The Disappearance of Lady Frances Carfax	5	6.50
The Adventure of the Bruce-Partington Plans	1	0.93
The Valley Of Fear	6	1.04
His Last Bow	1	1.65
The Adventure Of The Mazarin Stone	0	0.00
The Problem of Thor Bridge	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Creeping Man	0	0.00
The Illustrious Client	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Sussex Vampire	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Three Garridebs	3	4.83
The Blanched Soldier	7	9.05
The Adventure of the Three Gables	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Lion's Mane	1	1.39
The Adventure of the Retired Colourman	0	0.00
The Adventure of the Veiled Lodger	0	0.00
The Adventure of Shoscombe Old Place	0	0.00

On their own, I think we can all agree that these figures are fascinating. But they become even more interesting when we look at the rate of beards by year. There are two types of year to consider: the year of publication and the year when the adventures took place.

By adding word counts and beard counts for each year I arrived at the following rates of beard mentions. (Where no data is given, there is no data for that year. Where a zero is given, there is data for that year but no mention of beards.)

Year	Beard Rate for Chronological Years	Beard Rate for Publication Years
1875	0
1877	0
1881	1.39
1883	0
1884	0.61
1886	0.61
1887	0.64	1.15
1888	0.93
1889	1.86
1890	0.42	1.39
1891	0.71	0.2
1892	0	0.63
1893		0.35
1894	1.73
1895	4.83
1896	0
1897	2.71
1898	1.03
1899	0
1900	0
1901	4.35	3.04
1902	2.04
1903	3.32	3.1
1904		2.34
1907	1.39
1908		0.45
1910		3
1911		5.32
1913		0
1914	1.65	1.04
1917		1.65
1921		0
1922		0
1923		0
1924		1.37
1926		3.01
1927		0

Perhaps the full impact of this information is not made clear until it is seen in graph form (click on it for a bigger version):

As you can see, peak beard rates are seen around and after 1910 in the publication dates. However, this data is skewed towards the 1890s in the dates of when the stories took place. Which is telling.

You see, beard popularity in the UK was high from 1850 to 1900 (more or less). After the turn of the century, though, beards went out of fashion. They were replaced for a time by moustaches and eventually by being clean shaven.

The chronology data reflects these trends, whereas the publication data is quite contrary.

Now, if we are to believe that the stories are fabrications of the infamous Arthur Conan Doyle, would it not be reasonable to expect his contemporary writing to reflect the contemporary facial fashions? We are told by Doyleites that he churned out the Holmes stories with nary a thought of accuracy or anachronism. How likely is it that such a man would bother to get the beards right? His characters would reflect the people around him.

But if the stories are real accounts of real events, we see a different story. Although Watson is writing the stories much later, he is writing them accurately and remembers how people looked at the time.

(Incidentally, the chronology I used when compiling this data was Watson Does Not Lie – an excellent book which will be published by Wildside Press later this year. It is by a Holmesian genius named Paul Thomas Miller.)

Any Other Business:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) suggested making use of his new Sherlock Holmes bottle-opener. All were in favour and set about the assembled beer bottles with an undignified fervour.

Monthly Meeting Minutes - 22nd April 2019

The Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Society

Monthly Meeting Minutes

Date of Meeting: 22nd April 2019

Location of Meeting:
The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

Attendees:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)

Apologies:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) apologised for arriving early. No one seemed bothered.

Presentation:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) presented the results of a challenge he responded to on Twitter. @EmmaGrant_01 proposed that Twittees should "type “The title of my next fic is” and let autocomplete do its thing...". "The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) got "The title of my next fic is the best film ever made a pork and I have no idea who was possessed by the way home now he's a police station and I can't get child care." Which he wrote up as follows:

The "Best-Film-Ever" Made a Pork and I Have No Idea Who Was Possessed by The-Way-Home. Now He’s a Police Station and I Can’t Get Child Care.

by Paul Thomas Miller

The occult and Sherlock Holmes should never be mixed. That was my big mistake. Sure, Holmes and Watson was the best film ever. Sure, Satan and his minions like movies. But did that make it right to summon his unholy servants for a film night because I’d managed to get a pirate DVD at a car-boot sale the previous Sunday? No. No it did not.
It was fortunate that the battery was low on my Ouija Board and I only managed to summon three demons. I’d forgotten to go shopping and a tube of Pringles and some flat cola wasn’t going to satisfy many more.
I was excited to show them the film. After brief introductions my new demon friends; Demon Fourteen, Evil Lord The-Way-Home and Douglas “The Bastard” Anthrax, were keen to get down to watching the movie. So I put it on, poured us some drinks and opened the Pringles. Prawn cocktail flavour. Nevermind, they’d do.
All was going well to start with. As Watson was saved by Holmes’s giant marrow, we agreed it was the best film ever. As Moriarty was let off in court, we maintained that it was the best film ever. As Watson proclaimed his love for Queen Victoria, we were unified by the objective fact that this was the best film ever. But then things went wrong.
The flat beverage reacted violently with the demons’ bile. Of course, I should have read the warnings on the Ouija Board before I served the drinks, but hindsight is always 20-20. It was too late now. Evil Lord The-Way-Home had already started on his. With a sudden pop, he exploded, spraying evil all over the room. An especially large chunk of cranial evil hit the DVD player which immediately began ejecting a huge misshapen cut of pork from the DVD slot. My new carpet was ruined. Eggy evil was sprayed across most of it. Even if I could get that out, the pork juices looked set to colour it for good.
I ran off to the kitchen to fetch some Vanish and a damp sponge. But I hadn’t bothered to check on Fourteen and Douglas. They had been sat right next to The-Way-Home. They were covered in gibletty evil. When I returned with my cleaning supplies, I was greeted by the sight of the two remaining demons screaming double-strength evil into the air. The twisted soul of The-Way-Home leapt between them, wreaking havoc with their extra-dimensional essences. This was no good for any of us and I was forced to pause Holmes and Watson (which was still proving itself to be the best film ever made despite the noise).
I turned to my Whittaker’s Household Demon Management Manual for guidance and soon found what to do. Once armed with a bowl, three socks and a pointy stick I was ready to exorcise The-Way-Home so the rest of us might stand a chance at survival. But first I had to identify where he was. And Fourteen and Douglas were both in such a panic that it was impossible for my non-magic eyes to tell who he had possessed and who was just frightened. I paused too long.
With a shriek, Demon Fourteen turned into a bloodied 1970’s rural police station. His sudden growth in size, due to his three stories and sizable chambers, knocked Douglas “The Bastard” Anthrax so hard he was obliged to turn into a three-month old baby and the Pringles were knocked all over the already marred carpet.
Reader, I was livid. And my lividity lasts to this day. Now I am forced to share my home with a police station and a baby which vomits fart-scented demon guts wherever it pleases on an almost hourly basis. In the circumstances, I can get no child care. So I am forced to remain home watching Holmes and Watson on a loop all day every day.
Still, it is the best film ever. And I do have plenty of pork to eat. So it isn’t all bad.

Any Other Business:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) proposed a discussion of the newly formed society; Doyle's Rotary Coffin but no one else had heard of it, so we moved on to bath time.

Monthly Meeting Minutes - 1st March 2019

The Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Society

Monthly Meeting Minutes

Date of Meeting: 1^st March 2019

Location of Meeting:

The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

Attendees:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)

Apologies:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) apologised for the stains.

Presentation:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) presented the following pastiche:

The Adventure of the Fauversham Place

It was a mid-summer morning in Baker Street and I had just finished my toast and eggs when the boy in buttons rushed in with a telegram. Holmes was lying on the sofa on the opposite side of the room. Without opening his eyes his waved an imperious hand towards me and I was given the missive.

"Read it to me, would you Watson?" he droned as the boy rushed away again.

I did so. "Holmes. Bad business down at Fauversham. Join me as soon as able. Lestrade."

So it was that we found ourselves on the next train to Hampshire. We were met at the village station by the inspector who at once burst into a description of the situation.

"It' a bad business, Mr Holmes! A bad business."

"So you said in your telegram. I trust there is more to go on than that?"

"Of course. Three missing. Two homes vanished. One body recovered. I say "body" but "remains" would be more apt. I shall explain the full circumstances on the way to the scene."

We boarded a dog cart, and while a constable drove us Lestrade filled us in.

"We are headed to Fauversham Place, the rural estate of Mr Howard Plank. On one of his more remote fields he had three tenants. Brothers. They had each built their own homes fairly near to each other. When rent day came around he visited with the intention of collecting and found two of the houses were gone, as were all three tenants. He called in the local constable; PC Brazier, who is driving us now. On examining the remaining house he made a grisly discovery; in a cauldron above the fireplace were the bones of one of the brothers. At once he realised he was in deep water and called in Scotland Yard. I was sent down yesterday but can make nothing of it. That is why I asked for your help."

"What makes you so sure the remains are those of one of the brothers?" asked Holmes.

"Ah! Perhaps I should describe the tenants to make that much clear. The brothers, naturally, share a surname: "Littlepig". They are named First, Second and Third. The surname is rather apt, because they are actually..."

"Anthropomorphised pigs?" interrupted Holmes.

"Quite. And the remains in the cauldron were clearly those of an anthropomorphised animal. So you see, they must be the remains of one of the Littlepigs."

I must have appeared shocked for Holmes placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder and calmly explained "You see, Watson, we are in a poorly written story by Paul Thomas Miller. He clearly thought this strange mash-up would be a good idea. He often thinks such things. Fortunately, he doesn't usually follow them through."

At once I felt placated, did my best to rebuild the fourth wall and we carried on as if nothing had happened.

Lestrade took us to the sites of the first two houses. Nothing remained. It was as if the Earth had opening up and swallowed them whole. All Holmes could find was some flotsam of the sort one would expect to find on a farm; feed for animals and sticks for fuel.

We arrived at the remaining dwelling and Holmes set to work examining its exterior. He appeared to gather much from it as he crawled about picking up stray pieces of straw and old twigs. For myself, I could tell nothing other than it was a sturdy brick building of which any porcine builder would be proud.

"Are we able to see the remains?" Holmes asked.

"Certainly. We left them where they were found." said Lestrade, ushering us into the small house.

The bones were certainly animal. They were left higgledy-piggledy in the bottom of the cauldron. Here and there flesh stuck to them. Holmes probed them, and the small puddle at the bottom of the pot.

"This body has been cooked!" he ejaculated.

Then, as he pointed out the teeth marks in the meat and the stock in the bottom of the cauldron it became all too obvious that the victim had been eaten.

Lestrade was the first to vocalise our thoughts: "With this discovery, you have made it all clear! The brothers must have fallen out. Probably over money or who gets to go "wee wee wee" all the way home. A fight ensued in which two of the pigs lost their homes and lives. To destroy the evidence, Third Littlepig ate his brothers."

"An interesting theory," Holmes remarked. "But how do you explain the disappearance of Third Littlepig?"

For a moment Lestrade seemed stumped, but he quickly suggested "He was driven mad with grief or guilt and fled the scene. By now he has probably been found raving with hysteria and is locked away anonymously in some local asylum. Tracking him should present no great difficulty. I am sorry to have brought you all the way down for such a trifle, Holmes."

"We shall see." he replied with ominous eye-brow waggling. "I have one or two further enquiries to make. Shall we meet at the local tavern for dinner?"

This agreed Holmes and I set off on foot for the estate's manor house.

After knocking on the door of the house we were greeted by Howard Plank himself who ushered us into his drawing room.

"It's terrible news!" he moaned. "The Littlepigs were all such good tenants. Third especially, was a diligent chap. And he generally kept his brothers on the straight and narrow."

"Would I be right in surmising," asked Holmes "that not all the houses were as sturdily built as Third Littlepig's?"

"Quite so!" chuckled Plank. "I'm afraid neither First nor Second were as hard working as their brother. First built his of straw and Second built his out of sticks. You can imagine how they looked!"

"One more question, Mr Plank. Do you have any wolf problems around here?"

"Why, yes, one has been sighted recently. Which is strange, as they went extinct in England in the sixteenth century. Mind you, this one is said to be..."

"An anthropomorphised wolf." finished Holmes. "Thank you, Mr Plank, you have been most helpful. Come Watson, I believe I have a good chance of tracking down the elusive Third Littlepig!"

I was left at the village tavern while Holmes went off on a secret errand. It was a beautiful summer evening when he returned and Lestrade arrived soon after.

"Well Holmes?" he enquired. "Have you made anything of it?"

"I have made a good deal!" he replied as our dinner was served. "I took the liberty of ordering for all of us, by the way."

"Never mind the food," Lestrade grumbled, tucking in, "what about the case!"

"Very well. You were in error from the first, Lestrade. The bones were not those of a pig, anthropomorphised or otherwise. While superficially similar, they were in fact the bones of an anthropomorphised wolf."

"A wolf!" Lestrade protested "But they have been extinct in England since..."

"Yes, the sixteenth century. However, a certain Mr Bigbad Woolf arrived in this country from America just two months ago. Seeking the natural prey of the anthropomorphised wolf, he soon found himself in Fauversham on the trail of anthropomorphised pigs - the  

Littlepig brothers. Once located, it would be simple to devour First and Second. All he needed to do was use his lupine ability to huff, puff and blow their houses down before he gobbled them up whole."

"So they were all three eaten by Bigbad Woolf!" Lestrade interrupted.

"Not all. No. Third had sensibly built his house of brick. No amount of huffage, puffage or blowing down would provide a wolf with access. Woolf was forced to climb down the chimney. Unfortunately for him, Third was ready! He had set a cauldron of boiling water in the fireplace. No sooner had he dropped down into the house, than Woolf was boiled to death. Third, naturally for a greedy little piggy, couldn't resist easting the delicious canine stew."

"Then where did Third disappear to?" I asked.

"Simple, Watson! Having tasted canine meat, he was beguiled by its wonderful flavour. Where does one go when one wants to eat more dog meat?"

But before I could make an obvious comment about Mrs Hudson's cooking, he answered the question himself: "The dog pound! I have just returned from Fauversham dog pound where Third was busy trying to adopt all the dogs."

"Where is he now, then?"

"When I tried to stop him, he turned wild. A dog-meat-frenzy was upon him and he tried to fry several small Chihuahuas. I was forced to remove his head and entrails. The kindly chef at this magnificent tavern dealt with rest and we are now eating him in the form of these delicious chops."

We all laughed as the scene faded to black and the credits began to roll.

Any Other Business:

There was some discussion over whether or not the society should adjourn to the pub. No one could agree so we all went to bed early instead.

Monthly Meeting Minutes - 6th February 2019

At this month's meeting "The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) revealed a new method of creating Holmesian pastiche. He fed The Canon through a shredder, took some pieces at random and put them together to make a new story. This was the result:

The Relations Between Us

By Arthur Conan Doyle and Paul Thomas Miller

The relations between us in those latter days were peculiar. (CREE) Holmes had spent several days in bed, as was his habit from time to time. (3GAR) Holmes looked at me thoughtfully and shook his head. (SUSS)

“Awake, Watson?” he asked. (REDH)

“I slipped in in safety and lay awake half the night in my joy at the thought of seeing you.” (COPP)

“Do you know, Watson,” said Holmes as we sat together in the gathering darkness, “I have really some scruples as to taking you to-night. (SPEC) I wouldn't hurt a hair of your bonny head for all that the world can give” (VALL)

“Good heavens, Holmes! Do you suppose that such a consideration weighs with me of an instant?” (DYIN)

“I seem to have knocked up against something hard,” (DANC) he showed that it was indeed as he said. (SECO) “You see it, Watson?” he yelled. “You see it?” (SPEC)

“It is peculiarly strong and stiff.” (SECO)

“I think that I must turn to you Watson, for something more solid.” (NOBL)

Then a queer thought came into my head and showed me where I could lay my hand on a weapon. (SIGN)

“What do you think of this, Watson?” he asked, tossing it. (NORW)

“Well, it is not the first we have shared, Holmes. I hope it may not be the last.” (3GAR)

For two hours we rambled about together, in silence for the most part, as befits two men who know each other intimately. (YELL)

“Excellent, Watson, excellent!” murmured my companion. (SILV)

“You wish me to come?”(STUD)

“Come over here now!” (STUD)

“Here you are, Holmes! Here it is!” (3GAR)

Finally he thrust the sharp point home, pressed down the tiny piston, and sank back. (SIGN) “And what do you think of it all, Watson?” asked Sherlock Holmes, leaning back in his chair. (SPEC)

“Wonderful!” I ejaculated. (STUD)

“I never get your limits, Watson,” said he. “There are unexplored possibilities about you.” (SUSS) The next moment he had staggered back to his bed, exhausted and panting after his one tremendous outflame of energy. (DYIN)