Date of Meeting: 8th December 2024
Location of Meeting:
The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK
Attendees:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)
Apologies:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) apologised for ever having thought that thought which he can't talk about.
Toast:
Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) gave the following toast:
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember strange behaviour
Took place 'fore Christmas Day
To save a jewel James Ryder nicked
Down a goose it was placed
Oh tidings of schemes and dirty ploys
Schemes and ploys
Oh tidings of schemes and dirty ploys
And so forth.
Presentation:
Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) presented the following festive fudgery:
A recent search of the rooms of Cardinal Tosca found the some important document documents hidden in a secret safe under his floorboards. It appears that these are the originals upon which the prologues of the gospels of Luke and Matthew are based. It is proof, if it were needed, that not only is Sherlock Holmes real, he is also the son of God and saviour of all true believers. The text of these documents has been translated from the original cockney rhyming slang and reads as follows:
The Birth of Sherlock Foretold
God sent the angel Hosmer to London, a town in England, to a Vernet married to a man named Siger, a descendant of Mycroft Snr. The Vernet’s name was Violet. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly artistic! The Lord is with you.”
Violet was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Violet; you have found favour with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Sherlock. He will be great and will be called the Best and Wisest man. The Lord God will give him the rooms of Baker Street, and he will reign over London’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”
“How will this be,” Violet asked the angel, “since I am a Victorian and have not seen so much as my husband’s bare ankles for seven years?”
The angel answered, “The Spirit of Inquiry will come on you, and the power of the Deduction will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Or possibly just Sherlock for less showy occasions.”
“I am the Lord’s servant,” Violet answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her. Without so much as a by-your-leave. Which just shows how rude these so called “angels” are.
So it was that Violet was married to Siger, but she was found to be pregnant through the Spirit of Inquiry. Because Siger her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.
But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Siger son of Mycroft Snr, do not be afraid to take Violet home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Spirit of Inquiry. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Sherlock, and he will save his people from their conundrums.”
When Siger woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded. But he did not do the deed of darkness up her until after she gave birth to a son.
And the angel peeked out of his hiding place and said “Lol! He bought it.” And winked at God.
The Birth of Sherlock
In those days George Hamilton-Gordon, 4th Earl of Aberdeen issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire British Empire. And everyone went to their own town to register.
So Siger also went up from the town of London to the North Riding of Yorkshire, because he belonged to the house and line of the farmstead of Mycroft. He went there to register with Violet, who was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because she had accidentally given birth in a stable on the farm.
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the North Riding a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Consulting Detective. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those blah blah and so forth.”
And a good many sheep dropped dead from shock. When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Most of our sheep are now dead, and the ones that are left will never get back to sleep after all that hoo-hah. Let’s go to the farmstead of Mycroft and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about. And see if we can claim compensation.”
So they hurried off and found Violet and Siger, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word to Social Services about the people keeping a baby in a manger when they had a perfectly good manor house right there, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. They were also pretty impressed that the baby had been born with a whacking great halo bobbing about his bonce. But Violet treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. But Siger refused to pay any compensation for their dead sheep and so they had to go into the steel industry.
At this point, things were getting really confusing, so Siger went down the pub for a break and ended up coming home pissed and singing rude songs about his cavalry days.
On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise the child, he was named William Sherlock Scott Holmes, the name the angel had given him before he was conceived.
Then the reverend Sabine Baring-Gould pointed out that they were not Jewish and tried to glue the foreskin back on, blessed them and said to Violet, his mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in London, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed.” Which was nice of him, but then he added “And a sword will pierce your own soul too.” Which was confusing and a little upsetting.
The Magi Visit the Consulting Detective
After Sherlock was born in the North Riding of Yorkshire, during the time of Queen Victoria, Magi from the East End came to Yorkshire and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Detectives? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.”
When Prince Albert heard this he was disturbed, because he is German and therefore sneaky. When he had called together all the people’s chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Master Detective was to be born. “In the farmstead of Mycroft in the North Riding of Yorkshire,” they replied.
Then Prince Albert called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. He sent them to Yorkshire and said, “Go and search carefully for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him.”
But he didn’t really intend to worship Sherlock. He actually wanted to Jack-The-Ripper him up, because Prince Albert was secretly Jack-The-Ripper. Thirty-something years too early. Typical sneaky German.
After they had heard the prince, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. Like sat-nav. But a star. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed, because light pollution is quite bad in London so you can’t really see the night sky there. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Violet, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of a massive Calabash pipe, an ounce of shag tobacco and a deerstalker hat. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Prince Albert, they returned to Bishopsgate by another route.
The Escape to London
When they had gone, yet another bloody angel of the Lord appeared to Siger in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to London, that great cesspool into which all the loungers and idlers of the Empire are irresistibly drained. Stay there until I tell you, for Prince Albert is going to search for the child to kill him up. And anyway, you’ll fit right in there.”
So he got up, took the children and his mother during the night and left for London, where he stayed until the death of Albert. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of London I called my jack-in-office.”
When Albert realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to his countrymen to work towards starting a war in about sixty years’ time. Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled:
“An east wind is coming, weeping and great mourning, blah blah and so on.”
Any Other Business:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) insisted that this was now the Shingle Christmas Do, drank three bottles of Malbec and passed out in the tinsel.
