Monthly Meeting Minutes – 3rd August 2024

Date of Meeting: 3rd August 2024

 

Location of Meeting:

The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK

 

Attendees:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)

 

Apologies:

"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) apologised for nothing. Screw you.

 

Toast:

Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) toasted Watson's wandering wound in the form of a song:

 

Presentation:

Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) presented the following essay about animals:

 

Anthropomorphised Animal Versions of Sherlock Holmes

There are many readily available anthropomorphised animal versions of Sherlock Holmes with punny names to be found in the animal kingdom. They come from many different countries and, therefore, bring with them a variety of cultures. They come from every taxonomic class and, therefore, bring with them a variety of approaches to living. From finger to fin, from tundra to desert, from carnivore to weakling - their variations are countless. Consider the following examples:

A huge variety, to be sure. But they all have one thing in common. In order to become an anthropomorphised animal version of Sherlock Holmes they must wear a deerstalker. As Jane Austin-Allegro once said: “It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that an anthropomorphised animal in possession of a highly analytical mind, must be in want of a deerstalker.” It was true then. It is true today. You simply cannot turn an anthropomorphised animal with a punny name into a version of Sherlock Holmes without putting a deerstalker on it.

“So what?” I hear you ask. “A child knows as much. There is nothing new or controversial here. Why do you waste our time?”

Well…stop a while and consider the implications for the Victorian sleuth version of antidorcas marsupialis – Mr Springbok Holmes.

The springbok, of course, is an antelope, which is basically a deer*. So if Springbok Holmes were to be depicted in a deerstalker, as above, he’d basically be wearing the headgear of someone who hunts their own kind for sport and/or food. Through the application of hattesian logic, we can see that this would make him a cannibal. And, generally speaking, cannibalism was frowned upon in Victorian London. Which would make Springbok Holmes a villain – the diametric opposite of Sherlock Holmes who is the embodiment of heroism and justice. At which point, Springbok Holmes is no longer an anthropomorphised animal version of Sherlock Holmes and he must remove his deerstalker. All of which creates a paradox which destroys this particular alternative universe. No – Mr Springbok Holmes cannot wear a deerstalker. And yet he must wear some form of substitute headgear – otherwise he is merely Mr Springbok, with no “Holmes” to justify his existence.

What might this headgear be? The obvious answer, in an alternate universe in which a deer has taken the place of a human, would seem to be a simple word swap which coincides with the species swap. Therefore, the “deerstalker” would become a “humanstalker”. But what is a “humanstalker”? Presumably, it would be the headgear worn by someone who hunts and shoots humans. Something like this: 

But is this really acceptable? Is a deer hunting and killing humans really any better than a deer hunting and killing deer? No. Once again we find ourselves in the paradoxical situation of Mr Springbok Holmes at once representing ultimate evil and ultimate good. Once again his entire alternate universe implodes under the weight of a category six paradox.

So, is there no solution? Well, perhaps. In order to combat the need for a hat becoming a contradiction by making Springbok Holmes evil, he must wear the goodiest hat available. Surely then, early in his career, Springbok Holmes would solve the case of the Vatican Camel-os and be rewarded with the Pope’s very own mitre. This symbol of the power of good might be appropriately renamed an “evilstalker” and (atrocities committed in the name of Catholicism and Christianity in general notwithstanding) would have no ill effect on Springbok Holmes’ heroism.

*At this point I expect some pedant somewhere is wetting their knickers over the fact that springboks are not deer - springboks are a type of antelope and true deer are only distantly related to antelope. To which I say: "Well, you can prove anything with “science” and “facts”, can’t you. Piss off. Look at it. It’s clearly a deer."

 

Any Other Business:

With a battle cry of "Brag and bounce!", "The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) ran from the room in search of bacon.