Date of Meeting: 3rd February 2024
Location of Meeting:
The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK
Attendees:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)
Apologies:
Sometimes I think "apologies" sound a bit like "apple juice". But it doesn't. Sorry.
Toast:
Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) toasted the boundaries of Holmesiana:
Of Sherlock Holmes
There's been much study
By idiots
And fuddy-duddies,
But the thing
They won't reflect on
Is the Great
Detective's rectum.
Presentation:
Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) presented the following space filler:
The First and Only Holmesian Regatta
Sherlockians are ever interested in expanding the field of Holmesian entertainments. This year saw the birth of the latest innovation: The Holmesian Regatta – a boat race between vessels from the Sherlock Holmes Canon. The event was originally televised live on an obscure web-only channel. Sadly, this was not recorded. What we do have is a selection of the commentator’s comments which have been transcribed for us by Paul Thomas Miller from memory. There are several large gaps in his recollection, but the overall feel of the event remains apparent.
Welcome to the first annual Holmesian Regatta, taking place on the Thames. The course is a fairly simple one. Starting here at Tower Bridge and ending here at the Custom House pier at Gravesend. It's a twenty-five-mile journey and they will be going with the tide. We can expect speeds exceeding 15 knots and, with cameras and drones covering the whole route, this should be an exciting spectacle.
Our six contestants have all taken their place at the start line. The boats in this year’s competition are:
- The Aurora, skippered by Captain Mordecai Smith. The Aurora has a distinct advantage in this race, having already run the course once before in July 1888, although it only completed 8 miles of the course before running aground.
- The Alicia, skippered by Captain William Cantelo. This cutter is highly rated for its ability in all types of weather.
- Next up is The Lone Star, an American vessel skippered by Captain James Calhoun. He'll be glad to be working with his usual crew, who all seem to have come dressed as ghosts.
- Boat four is the unimaginatively named Little Yacht, skippered by Captain Neligan. Despite living in the famous fishing county of Cornwall, Neligan admits that he knows nothing about boats and that his Little Yacht is absolutely not up to the task. However, he is desperate for the prize money, so he's willing to give it a shot.
- The Norah Creina is an Irish steamer skippered by Captain Sutton and crewed by Messrs Biddle, Hayward, and Moffat.
- And finally, we have The Gloria Scott, a heavy-bowed, broad-beamed craft skippered by... well this is interesting, the previously listed captain has, apparently been suddenly replaced with a Mr Jack Prendergast. I can't say that I know much about him, but I'm sure he knows what he's doing...
...Ah... it looks like they are ready to start... yes, the engines are being stoked and the starter is raising his pistol.
*BANG*
And they are off...
...Already they are tearing past St. Katherines and around Canary Wharf. I must say, the river is looking lovely today. The Aurora seems to have taken an early lead, let's hope they can keep up this pace. The other five ships are all in a dead heat a few hundred yard behind them...
...Oh no! What's this! Captain Mordecai Smith seems to have relinquished control of The Aurora to a one-legged man who has immediately lost control of the ship and... yes... he's run it aground again! Smith can't be happy with this.
Taking advantage of the situation, here comes The Norah Creina. With their solid approach, the Worthingdon crew should have little trouble... oh dear... it's sunk.
But here come the plucky Americans aboard The Lone Star. This is an experienced crew used to much worse conditions than these. Captain James Calhoun has taken this vessel back and forth across the Atlantic countless times, they'd be unlikely to... oh no, my mistake... they've sunk...
...So now, in a dead heat we see The Little Yacht, The Gloria Scott and The Alicia passing Thamesmead where weather conditions seem to have deteriorated. There is a small patch of mist on the Thames here, but they should have no trouble passing through it... Neligan's Little Yacht is the first to emerge - by a hair in front of the Gloria Scott... but what's this? The Alicia has simply disappeared. This will be a blow for the, now non-existent, crew who put so much into getting The Alicia ready for this race…
…Neligan's Little Yacht is building on its lead. It's a good two or three lengths ahead of The Gloria Scott as they approach Coldharbour. Their lead seems to just keep growing. They'd have to do something stupid to lose this race now... oh... the crew all seem to have abandoned ship... and... yes... I can just about see... they've drowned.
This just leaves The Gloria Scott. There's just under 6 miles of the course left. Surely, they can't possibly lose now, as they are the only remaining ship. All they need to do is stay calm and... wait... what's this smoke coming up from her...
*KABOOM*
Oh dear, The Gloria Scott, Jack Prendergast and all aboard appear to have exploded...
...Well, where does that leave us? The First Holmesian Regatta was certainly an exciting affair, but the only winner seems to have been Poseidon. All that remains, is to clear the detritus from the river, put on your hat and coat and join me for something nutritious at Simpsons. Goodbye, folks.
Any Other Business:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) started crying and didn't stop until everyone else left the room. As there was no one else in the room, this took an unexpectedly long time.
