Date of Meeting: 16th January 2024
Location of Meeting:
The Sherloft, My House, Portsmouth, UK
Attendees:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller)
Apologies:
I apologised to a lamp post this morning after I walked into it. Then someone walking in the other direction laughed at me.
Toast:
Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) toasted the hitting of children:
At school Watson would have his fun
While Phelps would often brick it -
For it seemed rather a piquant thing
To hit Phelps with a wicket.
A child, Percy may have been,
But his peers thought it a sweet thing
To chevy him round playgrounds
And give his shins a beating.
Presentation:
Paul Thomas Miller (The Entire Canon) presented the following important paper about Holmes's fast food preferences:
The Detective and the Colonel
To date, Sherlockiana has failed to provide an answer to the question of what Sherlock Holmes would order from KFC. This may be because Sherlockians so far have fallen at the first hurdle – the question of whether Sherlock Holmes was ever afforded the opportunity to order anything from KFC – that is, was there ever a KFC outlet within his reach.
Holmes’s Baker Street years spanned 1881 to 1903 inclusive. However, the first restaurant which may be considered a KFC – Sanders Court & Café - was not opened until 20th March 1930. And, even then, it was opened in North Corbin, Kentucky, a good 4039 miles from Baker Street. It is unlikely, then, that Holmes would have been able to sample the original Colonel Sanders menu during his time at 221b.
But is this relevant? There is no reason for us to limit our enquiry to his Baker Street years. We can be fairly certain that Holmes is still living in retirement somewhere near Eastbourne on the UK’s south coast today. And considering that in May 1965 Colonel Sanders opened his first UK restaurant, this gives Holmes nearly 60 years to have encountered a KFC outlet.
Indeed, it could be more than that. Holmes was a widely travelled man. Within The Canon we see him visit places as diverse as Luxemberg, the US, France, Italy, Tibet, Switzerland and Sudan. There is no need to suppose that he ceased travelling when he retired. As it is entirely feasible that he returned to the US in his later years, there have been 90-something years in which he may have visited a KFC.
We can confidently say, then, that it is possible for Holmes to have tried KFC’s battered, bucket-based battery bantams at some point. But that isn’t really the central point of our inquiry. What we want to know is what he would order if he went to a KFC.
Before it is worth examining KFC menus, I first to need to establish what Holmes’s tastes were like. Until we know what sort of flavours he enjoyed, we cannot hope to pin down his fried fowl of choice. Fortunately, there are plenty of clues in The Canon. For example, Holmes chooses the restaurants Watson and he dine out several times. Simpson’s is chosen twice (DYIN and ILLU). Simpson’s were famous for their roast beef dinners. In BRUC and HOUN he chooses different Italian restaurants. Holmes indicates that he enjoys port in CREE, GLOR and SIGN. Perhaps most telling is the “epicurean little cold supper” which he lays on in NOBL. It consists of a brace of cold woodcock, a pheasant and a pate de foie gras pie (as well as several old but unnamed wines). Elsewhere in the Canon we see Holmes choose a beef sandwich, oysters, grouse, trout and tinned tongue. Further indicators as to his favourite flavours can be seen in his preference for coffee over tea, strong shag over subtler tobaccos and concentrated atmospheres over clear ones.
We may also note that he is not averse to a little spice. After all, he was very pleased to find he had the option of curried chicken for breakfast in NAVA. But it should be noted that middle-class British Victorian households probably didn’t go in for too much spice in their curries - British food has always been notably bland.
With all these preferences considered together, we see a clear pattern to his likes. Holmes is a man who enjoys strong, meaty (what the cool kids call “umami”) but simple flavours. While he liked a little spice in some of his food, it is unlikely that he would have favoured anything too fiery. What can we find on the KFC menu that would appeal to such a palate?
The basic KFC menu hasn’t really changed that much over the years, the central item has always been fried chicken seasoned with “the Colonel’s secret blend of 11 herbs and spices” (that is, salt, thyme, basil, oregano, celery salt, black pepper, dried mustard, paprika, garlic salt, ground ginger and white pepper). But there have been countless variations on this theme over time and even more variation between different countries. For the purposes of this paper, I have chosen to limit my enquiry to the menus available today.
Firstly, we should address the idea of Holmes eating food with his hands instead of a knife and fork. KFC is very much a finger food. One is expected to hold the food in one’s hands and to take bites out of it. Coming out of the back of middle-class Victorian Britain, this would have seemed unpleasant to Holmes’s refined nature. To be sure, in HOUN, Watson describes Holmes’s “cat-like love of personal cleanliness”. It is true that Holmes was able to adapt and move with the times, but deep down he probably would have found the inevitable greasy fingers caused by a piece of “Original Recipe” chicken a rather unpleasant experience. I have a sneaking suspicion he would have opted for the modern burger options which KFC offer so that he could avoid getting chicken oomska directly onto his hands.
With regards to flavour, it would seem that the “Original Recipe” choices would lack enough meatiness for him. Holmes was a big consumer of beef and when he did eat fowl, it was usually some sort of gamey bird. Holmes would crave a more robust flavour than plain chicken. The temptation is to head in the direction of the “Zinger” items, but I suspect this may have been too spicy for his simple palate.
So far I have only considered the UK KFC menu. Might the rest of the world offer something more in keeping with Holmes’s tastes? Let us consider some of the more eccentric offerings found in global KFCs.
In China, you can get a Shrimp Burger from KFC and in Thailand you can get a Shrimp Doughnut. However, the only seafoods Holmes shows any interest in in The Canon are oysters and trout. With oysters being in the umami ballpark and trout being boringly bland, there is no reason to think Holmes would have favoured anything with a proper seafood flavour.
Many other countries offer twists on the KFC burger which may be of interest to Holmes. However, the Cheese-Topped Burger of the Philippines, the chicken-instead-of-a-bun Zinger Double Down King of South Korea and the Brazilian Corn and Philly Chicken Sandwich all seem far too messy and complex to appeal to Sherlock.
Similar sloppy fare, which Holmes would be unlikely to want to handle, include Chizza (available in Japan, India, Philippines, Malaysia, Thailand, South Korea, Taiwan, and Singapore) - which is fried chicken topped with pepperoni, cheese, pepper, pineapple and pizza sauce, Australia’s Nacho Box and Singapore’s Parmesan Chicken with Truffle-Flavored Cheddar Sauce.
Malaysia’s Paper-Wrapped Chicken would certainly be a cleaner eat, but I suspect the unusual and delicate seasoning would put Holmes off.
It seems that no matter where we look around the globe, there is nothing on the menu which would appeal to him more than a straightforward KFC fillet burger. But he would have to customise this to get his hit of umami. The most likely possibility is that he would have augmented his meal with a portion of “regular gravy”. Perhaps a “Fillet Tower Burger” with some gravy poured inside could provide such meatiness, while the crispy hash brown within could serve to soak up some of that gravy to avoid too much mess. If this is the case, there is no way that the cunning sleuth would pass up on upgrading the burger to one of the many meal-deals available to him. Most likely he would opt for the Fillet Tower Burger Meal for £8.99. He would forgo the option to upgrade to a large meal for a further £2, aware that this would just get him a few more chips and a bit more soda-pop – thus, it is not really worth the money. Instead, he would put the saved £2 towards his £2.50 portion of "regular gravy".
As a side, Holmes would almost certainly go for fries, although I like to think he would insist on calling them chips. There are other options available – such as the hollow Dipping Fries of Romania or India’s battered Vegetable Strips, but I suspect that Holmes’s preference for cleanliness and simplicity would lead him to pick a classic medium portion of straight forward plain fries. Not the seasoned ones, mind, which are a bit much and get seasoning all over your fingers.
For a drink, Holmes would be upset to find that he could not get original recipe Coke at a UK KFC. This is because KFC in the UK only stock Pepsi. Also, in 1904, Coca-Cola stopped lacing Coke with quite so much cocaine, so it wouldn't satisfy him anyway. Instead, he’d probably go for something less fizzy and with a richer flavour. I think this would probably be the Apple & Blackcurrant Fruit Shoot.
Here ends the lesson for today.
Amen.
Any Other Business:
"The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) asked whether there was any port. There was port. And the port was drinked.
