The Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Society
2018 Awards Ceremony
There follows a verbatim account of the proceedings at The Shingle of Southsea Awards Ceremony which took place on the evening of 18th May 2018. In attendance were "The Entire Canon" (Paul Thomas Miller) and the big angry spot on his face.
Compère (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
Welcome to the first Shingle of Southsea Holmesian Award Ceremony. The Shingle of Southsea is an illustrious organisation with a history going all the way back to a few months ago and a membership from backgrounds as diverse as mine. On founding our society “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller) clearly stated its ethos:- “Never knowingly useful.” It was inevitable then that The Shingle should organise an awards event in which to celebrate every member and the unique role they play in assisting the group in its pursuit of this ethos.
There are six awards up for grabs this evening for six very different categories. To present the first; Best Holmesian Artwork, please welcome a man who once drew a picture; “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller).
AUDIENCE APPLAUD
Presenter (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
Thank you, Paul. It is a pleasure to play a part in the celebration of Holmesian art. Holmes once said that “Art in the blood is liable to take the strangest forms.” But then, he also once said “A white cock. Most interesting!” so it is hard to know what to think.
The nominees for Best Holmesian Artwork are:
-Holmes on my Corpse by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-The Dogs of the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-Shallot Holmes by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-Sherloctopus and Dr Waspson by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
And the winner is… Shallot Holmes by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
AUDIENCE APPLAUD
“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller):
Thank you very much. This award means the world to me. I shall treasure it forever. I’d like to thank some people but I don’t know any.
Compère (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
The next award is for Best Holmesian Poem. To present the award please welcome a man who once wrote a poem; “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
Presenter (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
Thank you for that warm welcome, Paul. Holmes once said: “Cut out the poetry, Watson.” With this love for verse in mind, we honour Holmes tonight with the following nominations for Best Holmesian Poem:
-From Holmes With Love by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-Mattias Boström Clerihew by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-Violets by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-If… (Original Version) by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
And the winner is… If… (Original Version) by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
AUDIENCE APPLAUD
“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller):
Thank you very much. This award means the world to me. I shall treasure it forever. I’d like to thank some people but there seems little point.
Compère (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
The next award is for Best Holmesian Essay. To present the award please welcome a man who once wrote a essay; “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
Presenter (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
Ha ha! That’s right, Paul. Famously, Holmes’ favourite essay was written on the the wall with a man’s forefinger dipped in blood. It was one word long and Holmes chose to read it with his eyes. In the same vein the nominees for Best Holmesian Essay are:
-Sherlock Holmes’ Enchanting Victorian Zoological Amusement Flyer by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-The Conan Doyle Lie by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-The Link Between Basil Rathbone and Sherlock Holmes by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-A Three Person Problem by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
And the winner is… The Conan Doyle Lie by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
AUDIENCE APPLAUD
“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller):
Thank you very much. This award means the world to me. I shall treasure it forever. When I wrote this essay like Conan Doyle I chose to use words. In that way, I came to understand him in a way no one else does. I also talk to ghosts.
Compère (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
The next award is for Best Holmesian Book-Reader. To present the award please welcome a man who once read a book; “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
Presenter (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
You remind me of rainbows and candy floss, Paul. Many books were read in 221b Baker Street. Many of which had pages, such as Billy the page. The nominees for Best Holmesian Book-Reader are:
-“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller) for reading several books about Sherlock Holmes and then putting them away neatly on a shelf.
And the winner is… “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller).
AUDIENCE APPLAUD
“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller):
Thank you very much. This award means the world to me. I shall treasure it forever. The books I have read include a small brown one, a green paperback and a really thick one with several long words.
AUDIENCE APPLAUD WITH GREAT ENTHUSIASM
Compère (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
The next award is for Best Holmesian Pastiche. To present the award please welcome a man who once looked up what the word “Pastiche” means and didn’t really understand; “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller).
Presenter (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
Thank you for that inspired welcome, Paul.
The nominees for Best Holmesian Pastiche are:
-The Adventure of the Lost Tail by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-The Adventure of the Mis-Sold Payment Protection Insurance by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
-The Adventure of the Reigate Winos by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
And the winner is The Adventure of the Lost Tail by “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
AUDIENCE APPLAUD
“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller):
Thank you very much. This award means the world to me. I shall treasure it forever. I’d like to thank some people but I don’t see why I should.
Compère (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
The next award is for Best Holmesian Generally. To present the award please welcome a man who once was something; “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller).
Presenter (“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)):
Thank you for that meaningless welcome, Paul.
The nominees for Best Holmesian Generally are:
-“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller)
And the winner is “The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller).
AUDIENCE APPLAUD
“The Entire Canon” (Paul Thomas Miller):
Thank you very much. This award means the world to me. I shall treasure it forever. I’d like to thank some people who have been lovely to me in recent months; Mattias Boström, Roger Johnson, Laura Weston, Michael Gunton, Matt Wingett, Margie Deck, Sonia Fetherston, Elinor Gray, Chris Redmond, Jen Jen The Australi-en, Jean Upton, Steve Rothman and Ashley Mayo. I have probably forgotten so many people, but that’s O.K. because I am very self-absorbed.
